10 Guiding Principles of a Peacemaker

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

Mt 5:9

There’s no shortage of conflict in our world today.

Whether it’s between countries, communities, or individuals, conflict often leaves us feeling alienated from our fellow human beings.

When confronted with conflict, we often choose one of two ways of responding—either we become defensive with anyone who dares to think differently or simply withdraw from public engagement to avoid conflict.

But both paths lead to the same results—isolation, alienation, and disillusionment. Both are unhealthy ways of dealing with our fears of difference.

The good news is that there’s another way. The path of the peacemaker. If you wish to no longer view others as potential adversaries but as potential partners for bridge building and peace making, then you may be called to follow the path of a peacemaker.

Here are some essential characteristics:

1. Be at peace with yourself

Our inability to live peaceably with others is often an indication that we are at war with ourselves. 

You think thousands of thoughts a day. If you were to take an inventory of those thoughts, you might be surprised to learn how many of them count as negative self-talk.

When you find yourself irritated by someone, ask yourself, “What is it in me that’s responding negatively to that person?” 

Maybe people who are confident and outspoken stoke insecurities around your shyness, for example? Can you bring compassion to the parts of yourself that you struggle to accept? Can you become a skeptic when it comes to your own negative self-talk?

2. Listen more than you talk

It’s a noisy world out there. Many of us are talking, but few are listening. 

It’s hard to be a good listener these days because of how emotionally charged issues have become. We can easily feel personally threatened when we encounter opposing views or ways of thinking that we don’t agree with.

Besides, there’s something deeply satisfying about being able to verbally beat your opponent into submission with nimble thinking, irrefutable facts, and logically sequenced arguments. 

But there’s something even more satisfying—open-hearted listening. By holding space for someone else’s ideas, even when they differ from your own, you’ll begin building bridges to the path of peace rather than burning them down.

3. Be genuinely interested in other people

In Dale Carnegie’s classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, the overarching principle to living a life of greater influence and impact is simply this: 

Be genuinely interested in other people.

How do peacemakers show genuine interest in others? Become interested in other people’s ideas, even ideas you strongly disagree with. Hone your listening skills. Become curious about why the person thinks the way they do. 

Understand their positions so well that you can state it back to them concisely and convincingly. When you do this, people will be shocked by how well you listened and by your willingness to hear them out and make them feel heard. 

Because the truth is that you don’t have to be in agreement with people for them to feel heard. The peacemaker understands this and uses it to help them become more likeable and relatable.

4. Don’t be afraid of conflict

This may sound counterintuitive but, truth is, so many of our conflicts are caused by our unsuccessful attempts at avoiding conflict.

This often starts unconsciously and innocently when we push our own thoughts and feelings off to the side in order to maintain a false sense of peace. Then once the situation becomes unbearable, we erupt in anger before we even realize what’s going on. 

The truth is that conflict itself is not an obstacle to peace, it’s the wrong kind of conflict that can lead to damaged relationships. 

The right kind of conflict is not confrontational. It simply means standing in one’s own integrity. If you want to be a peacemaker, you must be willing to state your position clearly and unambiguously, but also should be willing to allow others to do the same. 

If they are willing to engage in respectful dialogue, differences can be talked out, even argued out, as long as the focus remains on the issues and does not turn to personal attacks. 

Even if you have to endure the discomfort that comes with conflict in the short-term, with the right intentions, you can ultimately create conditions that will lead to more long term peace. 

5. Respond rather than react

When we’re reactive, we’re in a state of constant fight or flight mode. Neither of these states are conducive to consensus building or fostering friendships and relationships. 

Responding means creating the space within ourselves that removes the false immediacy of needing to say or do something right now. Even taking a few breaths can provide the clarity needed to respond graciously in a situation where you may otherwise have reacted to very differently

When we decide how to respond, we choose how we want to show up in the world in a way that is empowering and builds up everyone involved.

6. Be we-centered rather than me-centered

The peacemaker must seek to balance the desire to realize his or her rights with the need to be responsible to others. 

Rights are all about me. Responsibilities are all about others. They are both valuable and needed, like two wings of a dove. If we focus too heavily on one over the other, we’re unable to fly. 

Finding that balance is hard but can be done with practice and awareness. 

7. Play the long game

It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment that we can’t see the forest for the trees. We often place more value on what’s happening now than the future. This is understandable. But if we can play the long game, we can give up the need to dominate or be right or win every argument. 

Work instead on the goal of transforming minds and hearts through steady and consistent right action. Over time the fruits of such actions will begin to exert positive influence on others without the need to dominate verbally. 

8. Remain curious

Resist making up your mind too quickly about how you think or feel about an experience, person, or idea. See how long you can do this until you can’t stand it anymore. The discomfort will mean that you are in the right place.

One mark of a curious person is the willingness to try new things, to see life as play more than as drudgery. Try new ways of interacting with people you would traditionally disagree with. Try it on, make observations, see what happens. Be delighted by the surprises.

9. Surrender your ego

The ego’s need to be front and center is arguably the greatest obstacle to lasting peace. When the ego takes the lead, we’re often driven by our fear-based need to protect our own. 

But the peacemaker understands that we must reach beyond ourselves in order to experience the peace we crave. We must be willing to participate in a shared vision with others, even if it puts them in the spotlight.

This is not easy to do and requires daily surrender to the greater good. 

10. Forgive

Peacemaking is hard work. You will always find opportunities to mess up. And others will too. 

Knowing this ahead of time can allow you to be more understanding and forgiving when something goes wrong. 

If you’ve felt wronged, stepped on, or worse, don’t wait for others to apologize. Choose an attitude of preemptive forgiveness. 

Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness. Keep moving.

Are you up to the challenge?

Wondering if you have what it takes to be a peacemaker and make a positive difference in the world?

If you’re still reading this, the answer is most definitely yes. 

Yes it’s hard to be we-centered in a me-centered world. It’s hard not to get fearful and protective when we feel threatened. 

But with practice and support it can be done. It must be done if we want to build a brighter future for ourselves and future generations.

So what do you say? Are you up to the challenge?