3 Steps to Finding the Path to the Good Life

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

Frederick Buchner

“You can be anything.”

“The sky is the limit.”

“The world is your oyster.”

You’ve undoubtedly heard phrases like these before. They are signs of the abundant opportunities we have to create the life of our dreams.

At other times in human history, options were limited. If you were born a couple hundred years ago into a family of farmers, your opportunities would likely be confined to farming all the days of your life.

For many years in modern society, parents fully expect their children to “leave the farm” and upgrade their socio-economic status. They were expected to take full advantage of all the options afforded them that their parents could only dream of.

Fast forward a few decades to today and the American dream appears to be in jeopardy. For the first time in generations, children may not do as well as their parents.

Though opportunities abound, society is changing so fast that young people are preparing for a world that may be different than what they have today.

Nothing feels stable.

Everything is in flux.

This mixture of opportunity and anxiety about the future have caused parents and children to be more stressed than ever.

And many parents are willing to do almost anything to set their children on the right path.

One path to the good life

Over the past few years, it feels like the world is becoming a more hostile place for young people and adolescents. And all this stress is being acutely felt in the years up to and including college.

How are parents and families responding to the uncertainties of our times? In a recent interview, adolescent mental health experts Dr. B. Janet Hibbs said in this “moment of historic swerve,” parents are exerting more and more control over their children. Why?

She states:

“Parents are scared that there’s only one path, a linear path to the good life.”

Dr. Hibbs also mentioned the rise of the phenomenon called “destructive perfectionism.” This is the notion that kids can’t tolerate not being able to excel at everything. In other words, our kids are being protected from failure and so they are unprepared to deal with it.

In another interview about college students, Stanford lecturer Denise Pope echoed this assessment:

“It’s very scary to let your kid make a mistake or fail or not turn in their homework or get a bad grade or make a social mistake or whatever. And I think — they talk about this thing, “the door.” We don’t want “the door” to close; we want to keep all doors open…”

She continues:

“Parents want the recipe for getting their Roberto to be successful. And the problem is, there is not a recipe, which is really hard to hear as a parent…

You’re not going to know how this all works out until it’s working itself out and they get older and all that. So it’s really hard on the parents.”

Interesting paradox, isn’t it? On the one hand, we’re telling our kids they can be anything. On the other, we’re telling them that there’s only one path to get there.

And what is the “good life?” A stable high-paying job? Fame and fortune? Family vacations?

What would you do if your kid tells you they want to be a farmer rather than a wall street banker?

What’s a parent supposed to do?

Shouldn’t parents do all they can to ensure their kids find the right path? Shouldn’t they protect them from any chance of failure or decisions that would forever take away their chances of success?

Maybe as you read this you’re thinking back to your college days and decisions you made that “altered” the course of your life. Maybe you expected to be in a certain career or life situation by now but it never materialized. Maybe you spend your precious days dreaming about what life could have been if you’d made different choices.

So what’s a parent supposed to do? What are we supposed to do?

1. Listen to your life

We’ve lost a sense of vocation or calling. We’ve lost the ability to patiently listen to the guidance our lives give us. We’re too busy chasing down a thousand rabbit holes in hopes of finding the one that will fulfill all our dreams and desires. We’re too busy trying to keep a thousand doors open just in case.

The words of Parker Palmer urge us to consider another method:

“Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.”

What if we could teach our kids to engage in a process of listening to their lives. What if we could learn to listen alongside them?

2. Let the doors close

This may sound impossible right now, but when you learn to trust and listen to your life, you’ll learn to trust life when doors begin to close and options begin to go away.

This is one of the primary ways life speaks to us. Sometimes we’re trying to reopen doors that have long been shut.

Again, Palmer invites us to pay closer attention, because:

“Each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up.”

Are you willing to fully trust in this truth? Because the truth is that you cannot stop the doors from closing anyway. You just have to pay attention to the ones that open up.

3. Be present

When you learn to listen to your life, you’ll begin to get out of your own head. And it will feel liberating.

Anxiety and worry will loosen their grip as you begin to simply be present to your life and notice the people, circumstances, and things you are drawn to.

You will begin to “wake up” and begin to live your life fully. You will realize that the “path to a good life” is to be found in the moment you are inhabiting—right now.

The good life

As you engage in this process, you’ll discover that the good life may look very different from what your parents, your elders, and your society taught you.

Trust what your life is telling you. Your life knows you better than anyone, including yourself.

The path to the good life is not meant to be found, but to be lived.

And as long as you have breath, you are on the path.