Stop People Pleasing: 5 Key Steps to Authentic Living

“Sometimes you don’t realize you are actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor.”

Anonymous

You know the feeling – you’re at a party, and you find yourself nodding along to someone’s opinion, even though you don’t agree. Or maybe you’re constantly saying “yes” to extra work projects, despite already feeling overwhelmed. 

I am familiar with people pleasing because it’s something I have struggled with over the years. My aha moment came when I realized that even after all my efforts to make others happy, I had negatively impacted my relationships with others and myself. I learned the hard way that I cannot make others happy nor can I make them like me.

This realization helped me see how much energy I was wasting on trying to control something that I fundamentally had no control over. It was the push I needed to finally develop strategies to stop people pleasing.

Maybe you have struggled with people pleasing? Maybe you’re feeling drained, overwhelmed, and hopeless. There is hope because today we’ll discuss the reasons behind people pleasing and offer some practical tips to help you break free from this limiting behavior.

1. Identify Your People Pleasing Habits

People pleasing can have negative consequences in our lives. It’s important to identify these habits and understand why we do them so that we can make positive changes.

One of the most common signs of people pleasing is constantly seeking approval from others. This could be through trying to please everyone, saying yes to requests even when it’s not convenient, or avoiding confrontation at all costs. These actions typically come from a dread of being rejected, causing us to routinely put other people’s wants before our own.

Another sign is over-apologizing for everything you do, even when it isn’t necessary. We may feel guilty for taking up space or speaking up for ourselves, so we apologize as a way of compensating for this feeling. But this habit only reinforces the idea that we are not worthy unless others approve of us—a dangerous mindset if left unchecked.

We also tend to take on more than we can handle because saying no feels like an impossible task. We end up with too much on our plate and soon become overwhelmed by all the tasks that need completing—or worse yet, resentful towards those who asked us in the first place. Taking on too much out of fear or guilt leads to burnout and exhaustion which further perpetuates unhealthy people pleasing habits such as avoidance or denial rather than facing difficult conversations head-on with confidence and clarity about what works best for us individually.

Lastly, another sign is always putting yourself down before anyone else has a chance to criticize you; self-deprecation becomes second nature instead of standing tall in your accomplishments and successes (even small ones). You might find yourself making excuses instead of taking responsibility for your actions which keeps you stuck in this cycle until you recognize how damaging it really is.

Identifying these patterns will help you gain insight into why they exist. Once understood, the hard part follows: learning how to break free from them while seeking to preserve important relationships in the process.

2. Understand Your Motivations

Whatever the reason may be, understanding your motivations for people pleasing can help you break free from this unhealthy habit and create stronger relationships with those around you.

Exploring the root of your desire to please others can begin by reflecting on past encounters and how they influenced your views about yourself and other people. For example, if growing up you felt like an outsider in your family or community because of something unique about you—like having different religious beliefs—you may have developed a need for approval as an adult in order to fit in with those around you.

Another factor that might drive people pleasing behavior is low self-esteem; feeling insecure and inadequate makes it hard not to seek validation from outside sources like friends and family members. If this resonates with you, take some time alone each day to practice self-compassion and affirmations that boost your confidence levels so that seeking external validation isn’t as necessary.

Finally, consider whether there are any underlying fears driving your need for approval such as fear of rejection or abandonment? Fearful thoughts tend to lead us down the path towards people pleasing since we want desperately to avoid these negative outcomes at all costs; however, it is important to recognize these feelings so that they do not dictate our decisions going forward.

Understanding your motivations for people pleasing can be a difficult but necessary step in order to start living authentically. Now, having come to grips with the motivations behind your people pleasing tendencies, it is time to set limits and foster healthier connections between yourself and others.

3. Set Boundaries

It’s essential to create limits in your life for yourself and others. Boundaries help protect your needs, values, and energy from being taken advantage of or depleted. Creating limitations is an essential part of taking care of oneself and advancing one’s growth.

First, identify the areas where you need to establish boundaries with yourself or others. Once you’ve done so, it’s time to take steps to set those boundaries.

Start by communicating clearly with those around you about what your expectations are regarding these topics. It can be helpful to use “I” statements when doing this so that there isn’t any confusion as to who is responsible for enforcing the boundary (you). For example, instead of saying, “You make me upset when you gossip about me” you may say “I feel hurt when you gossip about me and I would like it to stop.” Doing this will help ensure that everyone understands what is expected of them in order for the boundary setting process to be successful.

Next, practice saying no when appropriate – even if it makes other people uncomfortable or unhappy at first. Declining to agree with certain requests doesn’t have to mean the end of relationships. Rather, it can be an opportunity to clarify expectations which in the long-run can strengthen interpersonal ties. Practice speaking calmly but firmly when declining requests that don’t align with your values or goals – this will show others that their requests won’t automatically be granted just because they asked nicely.

Ensure that your own needs are not overlooked while attending to the requirements of others. Allocating time and resources towards meeting other people’s needs should not come at the expense of neglecting your own. Having strong boundaries means nothing if they aren’t backed up by consistent self-care practices such as getting enough sleep each night or eating nutritious meals regularly throughout the day. Take some time every day (or week) specifically dedicated towards looking after yourself physically and emotionally – it will go a long way in helping maintain healthy boundaries any given situation.

4. Learn How to Say No

Saying “no” can be one of the most difficult tasks for a people pleaser. People pleasing is often rooted in fear, and saying no can feel like it will lead to rejection or disappointment from others.

When faced with a situation where you would normally give into people-pleasing behavior, take some time before responding so that you can think through your options carefully. You don’t have to rush into giving an answer right away; instead, ask for more information or even suggest alternatives if necessary. Rather than hastily complying with another’s wishes, taking the time to consider your options and suggest alternatives can help ensure you make decisions that are in line with what is best for you.

It’s essential to remember that it’s okay to say “no.” You’re not obligated to anyone, and standing up for yourself isn’t being mean or selfish—it just implies your needs matter too. Saying “no” allows us space and time we need without feeling guilty about it.

Learning to say no is a critical step in the journey of self-discovery and living authentically. To make progress, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and devote time for one’s own well-being.

5. Acknowledge Your Self-Worth

It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeking validation from others, but it’s important to remember that your self-worth comes from within and is not dependent on what other people think of you.

Start by taking time each day to reflect on your positive qualities and accomplishments. This will help build a strong sense of self-confidence and allow you to be more comfortable in your own skin.

Make sure to celebrate even small successes, as they all add up over time.

You can also practice affirmations or mantras throughout the day such as “I am worthy” or “I have value.” This will remind you that no matter what anyone else says, you are enough just as you are.

You’re Worth It

By following these steps, you can start living authentically and experience the joy of being true to yourself.

People pleasing is a difficult habit to break but with consistent effort, it’s possible to overcome.

You’re worth the time and effort.