5 Things to Remember When Life’s Not Going Your Way

“I have endured, I have been broken, I have known hardship, I have lost myself. But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day.” ~ Unknown

“I need to talk to you.”

It was my boss and I knew from the tone of his voice that this was no ordinary meeting. In my head and heart I knew the moment had finally come.

In January of this year, I switched careers from college chaplaincy to management consulting. I know, quite the move.

At the time, I felt ready to try something new. Additionally, my wife and I were expecting the birth of our seventh child and I was feeling internal pressure to move to a more lucrative career. The opportunity to make the shift came quickly and with baby fast approaching, I decided to take the leap.

A few months in, things seemed fine. The adjustment was hard, but I expected that since I was in a new career field. But after a while, I started to struggle in my new environment. I missed my ministry work and I experienced little fulfilment in the work I was doing.

I knew I was in trouble. I’d left a relatively stable and enjoyable job to do something new that promised greater opportunities for career advancement. But now I was feeling like an incompetent fool. I couldn’t quite keep up with the work and I felt miserable.

What would I do now? How would I provide for my family if I weren’t able to figure things out? Would I be able to find meaningful work that would provide a living wage?

To be honest, I felt like I’d lost my way spiritually. I was terrified of losing this job, no matter how miserable I felt. How would I replace this good income? Would everyone think I was a failure because I couldn’t cut it in the “real world”? How would we provide for our family healthcare needs?

I began to feel both anxious and depressed. The spiritual practices that sustained me in the past seemed to have no effect. I could hardly keep up my blog writing as I’d lost all motivation for it. I also struggled to pray and meditate. All I could do to keep from going over the edge was to take long morning walks.

At one point during my crisis, I found myself crying almost daily. I would mostly cry on those morning walks or on my commute to or from work. I wanted to quit, but with our new baby, I felt like that simply was not an option for me until I could find something new. Trouble was I had no idea what that would be.

Everyone at work knew how miserable I was. I knew it was just a matter of time before I would be kicked out.

When my boss called me into the conference room, I knew the day had come. By that point, I’d come to full acceptance of the fact that I could not keep this job. I was not able to give the company what they needed and I could feel my health declining from the stress. Our conversation felt less like a firing and more like a mutual recognition of what was going on and what needed to happen. It was my last day at that job.

I left feeling a sense of relief both for myself and my former employer but still felt quite sad that things did not work out differently. I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on my experience. I’ve identified five things  that I need to remember to help me get through this period and to emerge stronger for the experience.

If you’re dealing with the pain of loss or know someone who is, these thoughts may be helpful to you as well:

1. Growth is not a linear process (and it’s not pretty)

We’re a society obsessed by constant and unrelenting growth. We’re taught to think that growth means always being bigger, better, or faster than before. Whatever your measure of growth or success, it’s likely that your perception of growth means ever increasing numbers—at least that’s how I felt, even though I know better.

To complicate matters, we also romanticize growth. Most of the people we see talking about the benefits of growth are often on the other side of their growth experience. They’ve long paid their dues and gone through the hard stuff and now they are experiencing the full benefits of their growth process. Hence we’re led to believe that growth is pleasant, even pleasurable.

The truth? Growth sucks. If you’re feeling miserable, or like you’re taking a thousand steps backwards, you’re likely in the middle of a growth process. Understanding growth is anything but pleasant will help you stay with it rather than give up prematurely or feel like a failure in the midst of a difficult experience. This will maximize your chances of benefiting from the growth experience.

2. Your greatest enemy is your own mind

Our minds are constantly interpreting and narrating the events of our lives. When bad things happen to us, the voice in our heads can get especially loud and convincing. It says things to us like “Who did you think you were to try that anyway?” or “You’re just not good enough” or “This is your fault.”

In times of challenge and struggle, our minds tend to turn on others or ourselves. We blame everyone and everything for where we are. And more often than not, we believe the voices without question.

It’s important to understand that we don’t have to believe anything the mind says. It’s important to understand that our own minds can bring us down more than anyone else can.

One way to deal with the mind chatter is to write down the thoughts. As I wrote “I’m no good” or “I’m stupid” I immediately realized how ridiculous this was as I looked at the words on the page. If seeing your negative thoughts written down don’t work for you, respond to your thoughts aloud with, “That’s not true” or “Mind, be quiet.”

3. Take time to grieve

During times of loss and vulnerability, it’s so tempting to tough things out and just move on. However, it’s important to take time to properly grieve your loss.

In my case, my natural inclination is to immediately start a job search process since there’s so much at stake. If I don’t find a job soon, how would I be able to keep providing for my family? As one person remarked to me on learning about my job loss, “You don’t have any time to feel sorry for yourself.”

I agree that self-pity is dangerous. But this is different from experiencing the grief process. While self-pity may cause us to be overly consumed by our loss, when we grieve, we simply allow ourselves time to acknowledge and feel the weight of the loss.

Once you allow the grief to pass through you, you will feel much more ready emotionally and spiritually to move on with your life.

4. Reach out

In our eagerness to demonstrate to others just how well we’re doing, it can be enormously hard to reach out for help when things go wrong. Most of us would rather suffer in silence than humbly reach out for help.

For me it’s been humbling to have to reach out to people in my previous jobs that I’d “left behind” to ask for help. I’d not spoken to some of these people in months or years. Sometimes I was tempted not to contact someone because I felt like I was just using them since I’d neglected to stay in touch.

If you struggle with this feeling too, understand that most of us are like this and that people are generally happy to hear from you, even if the contact was precipitated by a crisis. People want to be helpful. Don’t deny them the opportunity to do so if they are in a position to help.

5. Explore the possibilities

You’ve heard the saying “Every dark cloud has a silver lining.”

While this may not be the most helpful thing to say to someone who is going through a difficult time, I’ve found it to be generally true.

However, I think a more helpful way to approach the concept is with this powerful question:

What does this make possible?

Since losing my job, I’ve been able to spend quality time with my family, I’ve regained my motivation for writing and keeping this blog going, and I’m brainstorming new ideas for finding work that is aligned with who I am and that allows me to serve others most effectively.

As I explore the possibilities, I believe the future is bright and I’m motivated to keep going.

Never give up on yourself

As I left my job feeling both a sense of relief and deep grief, I remember saying to myself over and over “Never give up on yourself!”

If you’re at a low point in your life, you may feel like giving up. It’s ok to give up on something that’s not working like a job or a relationship or a project. But never give up on yourself. Never give up on yourself no matter how you may feel about your performance in any given situation.

Resist the urge to attack yourself or others. Simply take time to let life unfold and allow the growth process to transform you.