7 Strategies for Moving Past Perfectionism

“Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?'”

– Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

When I was a young lad, I was very obsessive about making my bed. The sheets had to be on it just right: crinkle free, spotless, and exactly the same length on both sides.

I would spend an unusually long time trying to make sure the bed was perfect. I couldn’t move on with my day until the bed was made.

I saw over the years how this perfectionism moved from making the bed to needing to have the best possible grades, or be the most cleanly dressed. I saw how my imperfect speech caused me to be withdrawn.

I saw how feelings of not being worthy or good enough stopped me from pursuing dreams for fear of never being able to achieve them.

Life was never quite good enough. Other people were never quite good enough. I was never quite good enough.

Not being able to live up to my impossibly high standards cost me my joy, peace, and well-being. It caused me to seek happiness in all the wrong places. And it stopped me from doing many things.

How about you? Do you feel like your insistence on perfectionism has cause you to miss out on life’s many joys? Do you feel like a prisoner in a world of your own making? Do you wish to be more carefree and willing to pursue life even without guarantees?

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the need to be seen as perfect in the eyes of oneself or others and it’s often used as a criteria for judging oneself as either a good or bad, worthy or unworthy. 

It tends to span various parts of life including home, work, social settings, and with close friends. 

It is often driven by the fear of appearing foolish or a failure to other people and is the main source of procrastination. It causes people to dislike, even hate themselves for not measuring up to impossibly high standards.

Perfectionism is like trying to drive a car with the parking brake on. If you’re tired of holding yourself back and the smell of burning brakes, check out these strategies for moving past perfectionism:

1. Understand that nothing will ever turn out the way you first envisioned

This is probably the hardest step, so let’s just get it out of the way. Part of what drives our perfectionism is our insistence that things work out the way we envision them in our minds.

Truth is, most things don’t turn out the way we expect. We must often adapt, adjust, and course correct. This is the primary force behind our maturation and growth.

Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the opposite of growth. The perfectionist wants to get from point A to point B with as little deviation as possible.

The trouble is that this path does not exist. So they remain frozen at point A. Want to move past perfectionism? Understand that there are no straight lines to traverse. Understand that it’s the twists and turns that make the journey worthwhile in the first place.

2. Pay attention to your inner monologue

As important as the first step is, it is not enough. We need to examine and interrogate the underlying self-talk that insists on straight lines.

For a perfectionist, the most dangerous type of inner monologue takes this form:

“I won’t do X unless I can guarantee Y.”

I won’t ask her on that first date unless I guarantee she will say “yes.” I won’t ask for that promotion unless I can guarantee a “yes” from my boss. I won’t say “hello” to passers-by unless they smile and say “hello” back.

Pay attention to your inner monologue. Challenge the need to guarantee everything. Is is realistic? Is it practical? Is it serving you or hurting you?

Consider replacing dis-empowering monologue with more empowering phrases like, “Saying hello to strangers is worth the risk.”

3. Challenge compulsive behavior

How many times do you have to rewrite that email or text before you finally hit send?

How many times do you have to check the car door to make sure it’s locked?

How long do you have to spend cleaning the house before you can sit and relax?

We perfectionists are very familiar with our compulsive behaviors but we’re rarely willing to challenge them.

My act of constantly making the bed was reinforcing my perfectionist tendencies. I knew I would eventually need to confront my compulsive behavior.

It’s not easy to do but consider trying to limit how many times you repeat any one thing before leaving it alone or showing it to the world.

4. Just get things done

Taking action is likely the single most important thing you can do to overcome perfectionism. That’s how I got this blog going…and keep it going. I made a decision to publish regardless of whether I thought I was ready or not. 

I publish even with I feel the post isn’t good enough to be published. I write even when I’d rather avoid it because I don’t have anything perfectly profound to say.

In my better moments, I set realistic goals and try to focus on completion rather than getting bogged down with details. I won’t lie, it’s hard. But I keep pushing myself.

Consider what areas you may need to push yourself in order to complete something worthwhile?

Remember, you can always iterate and improve as you go.

5. Understand that imperfection is real, perfection is fiction

None of us have the option of living in fictional worlds. If we try, the real world has a way of asserting itself before long.

Imperfection is real, living, and breathing. Perfection represents stasis, unchanging, death. Perfection does not, and cannot exist in the real world.

Want to move past perfectionism? Understand that there’s nothing to move past. We need only be willing to engage the world on its own terms and in all its imperfect glory.

Keeping this perspective with help you manage your expectations as you move through periods of stress and uncertainty.

6. Remember that people don’t think about you nearly as much as you do

This might sound harsh, even offensive, but it’s true. And freeing.

So much of our perfectionism is driven by the thought “What will they think?” But in the grand scheme of things, people may spare a nanosecond of their time to comment on how imperfect the thing you created was.

Want to know what they’re thinking of the rest of their time? Themselves. They’re likely obsessing over their own imperfections rather than yours.

Keeping this perspective will be a blessing when you’re faced with criticism. Consider it a compliment when someone cares enough to criticize you. Just don’t let it stop you from showing up and exercising your creativity.

7. Forgive yourself

Forgiveness is the secret weapon against perfectionism.

Forgive yourself when you don’t live up to your own high standards. Forgive yourself when you don’t live up to the real or perceived standards of others. Forgive yourself when you feel too afraid to show up for fear of being criticized.

Keep stepping forward. Keep showing up. And before you know it, you’ll look back and realize that you’ve left perfectionism in the dust.