How to Deal with Toxic People

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~ Jack Kornfield

You know who they are.

The so-called toxic people in your life.

They monopolize your time and attention.

They never ask you how you’re doing and how they can help you.

They’re always caught up in some kind of life or death drama that needs your intervention.

You don’t want to lose the relationship or come off as a jerk. But you’re also dying inside. You feel stuck. And you’re feeling drained of your strength and vitality.

And what’s more, they are likely to be close family or friends. This is often the source of their power over you.

But you don’t have to surrender to their negative energy because you love them.

You can still take measures to protect yourself. How?

Here are a few ideas:

1. Say no

If you find yourself saying yes to this person all the time, begin to introduce “no” into your conversations. There are many ways to do this. For example:

• Don’t respond that passive aggressive text.
• Remain calm and detached when they try to suck you into their emotional vortex.
• Put your “exit lines” into practice when you’re trapped in lengthy conversations – like, “It was great talking to you but I need to go catch up on a few things.”
• Kindly say no to unreasonable requests for your time and attention. And stand firm in your decision when they try to guilt you into changing your mind.

When they protest, empathize but don’t cave. Set up your boundaries and enforce your property rights.

2. Don’t be surprised when it’s someone close to you

We often feel blindsided when the toxic person in our life is someone we love: a parent, a childhood friend, a spouse.

But this is more common than you may think.

We mistakenly think that the people close to us are exempt from the boundaries we set for ourselves. The boundary may be a bit more porous depending on the nature of the relationship, but there must be a boundary.

Don’t give them a free pass. If you do, all you’ll feel is resentment toward them.

3. Love them by loving yourself first

Make the commitment to take care of your needs first. If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may be accused of being selfish. But here is a hard truth: It’s your selflessness that probably got you where you are in the first place. It’s time to try something different.

Try self-care.

When you’re called selfish, remember that your “selfishness” is what allows you to love others better.

4. Take 100% responsibility for the relationship

Have you ever considered that your own actions may be the driving force in your toxic relationship?

Here are some questions to reflect on:

• Are you holding on to unreasonable expectations of the other person, even though you know better?
• Are you always blaming them for how you’re feeling?
• Do you react negatively when a neutral party suggests you examine how your own behavior may be validating their misbehavior?

If so, then you’re not taking 100% responsibility for the relationship. This requires that you take full responsibility for what you bring to the relationship. It means fully accepting the other person for who they are, without caving to their demands. It means learning to adjust your behavior accordingly when you’re in a toxic environment.

Let go of your own unreasonable expectations for the other person so you can fully face the reality of the situation.

Be compassionate with yourself

Take care of yourself first.

Because it’s impossible to be compassionate to others if you’re unable to extend compassion to yourself.

Love yourself enough to have enforceable boundaries.

When you do, you’ll give others the permission to love themselves too.