9 Keys to Building Lasting Relationships

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.”
~ Thomas Merton

Deep down we all yearn for this.

An intimate relationship where we can feel safe to be ourselves and loved unconditionally. A companion to walk with us on the sometimes perilous journey of life. A person with whom we can realize big dreams and goals.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have such a companion in my spouse. This week we celebrated our tenth year of marriage. And it’s been an incredible ride so far. We’ve certainly had our ups and downs. But through it all, our love for each other has only grown and our bond has never been stronger.

Though this hardly qualifies me as a marriage or relationship expert, I’ve found some important characteristics of strong and healthy relationships through my own experiences and by observing others.

Here they are:

1. Bring 100% to the table

Derek Rydall, author of Emergence, writes:

“Whatever’s missing is what you’re not giving.”

Most of us live by the 50/50 principle. This may (or may not) be a good approach for business but it’s an absolute disaster-in-waiting for relationships. A person who lives this way brings 50% of their love, does 50% of the house chores, pays 50% of the bills, etc.

If something goes awry in the relationship, such a person is quick to blame their partner for not pulling their weight. But if we want to have exceptionally strong relationships, we must be willing to entertain the possibility that whatever’s missing is what we’re not giving. We must be willing to bring 100% of who we are to the table — without expecting anything in return.

2. Have a larger purpose

Relationships often implode when the expectations placed on the relationship or other person are too great to bear. Our partners are not meant to “complete us” or satisfy our every need. We are all finite human beings and we’re simple incapable of this, no matter how pure our intentions.

Successful relationships are oriented to some common higher purpose. The love between partners must transcend them.

In my relationship, we experience the transcendent love of God through our love for each other. Our love for each other in turn extends to our children, our friends, and the world at large. Love, no matter how intimate, is never meant to be confined to just two people.

3. Learn from others

Great marriages don’t just happen. They require a level of spiritual, emotional, and social intelligence. Marriage is not easy, but many couples navigate the challenges successfully.

Identify two or three relationships that you admire. If you know the couple, interview them. If not, observe them. In fact, much more will be learned by watching what they do than what they say. If you pay attention long enough, you’ll gain valuable insights.

4. Love unconditionally

If you withhold love or affection in order to punish or manipulate, your love will turn into poison that will slowly kill your relationship.

This doesn’t mean that you cannot take a time-out if you’re too upset to be with your loved one. But as soon as tempers cool and perspective is regained, quickly work towards forgiveness and reconciliation.

5. Let go

As far as intimate relationships go, these words from Karen Armstrong ring true:

“nearly every day there is something to forgive.”

Be willing to let go the small stuff and forgive the bigger stuff. And don’t wait for the other person to go first.

6. Fight like you’re on the same team (because you are)

Even the best relationships will have its fair share of fights and disagreements. However, attacking each other rather than the problem will compromise the relationship.

Be willing to share how you’re feeling without resorting to attacking your partner.
Stick to “I” statements and focus on the issue at hand. Fight for the relationship, not against it.

7. Maintain personal boundaries

Sometimes people mistakenly think that their intimate relationship is license to trample on the personal boundaries of their loved one.

Though the Bible says “and the two shall become one flesh” (Gn 2:24), this does not give you license to blame your partner for your own actions or ignore their need for privacy.

Maintaining healthy boundaries means taking responsibility for your own behavior and honoring the needs of your partner.

8. Be intentional

If you’ve been with someone for a long time, it can be easy to slowly begin to take them for granted. We can fall into the trap of assuming that the relationship will just take care of itself.

Maybe you’ve stopped being spontaneous with your partner. Maybe you don’t go on dates anymore or say “I love you.”

It may not feel like it at first, but this is a highly dangerous situation — akin to falling asleep behind the wheel on an open road. We get comfortable. We stop paying attention. We fall asleep. Then we crash.

Be intentional. Take control of the wheel so you can take your relationship where you want it to go.

9. Ditch the contingency plan

Making a lifetime commitment to someone is one of the scariest things you can do. But too many of us go into these covenants with contingency plans, ready to deploy on the first sign of trouble.

In long-term relationships, troubles are absolutely guaranteed. If you want to have a lasting relationship, you must decide to stay the course when difficulties show up.

Of course, this does not mean that you have to stay in a dangerous situation. It means understanding that the ups and downs of relationships are normal. If you work together, you can navigate your way through the challenges.

Create a rock solid relationship

For us human beings, relationship is like spiritual oxygen.

Without it, we die. When our relationships are failing, we suffer. But when they’re healthy and strong, we thrive.

Recommit yourself fully to your most important earthly relationship.

May it become rock solid. And may the love you share bless a world that desperately needs love.