“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
How much time do you spend each day worrying about what others think of you?
My guess is that almost every moment of every day, in every interaction, you are concerned about whether people think well of you.
You want them to say what a wonderful person you are.
You want them to not say negative things about you behind your back.
You want them to think of you as smart, pleasant, and funny.
You even want them to love you.
Whenever you interact with someone, whether family or friend, you want to walk away from the exchange believing that the person thinks well of you.
To make sure this happens, you do all you can to accommodate their needs. You say yes to their requests, even if it’s an inconvenience to you. You talk about their interests. You even take on some of their mannerisms in order to feel more connected.
But have you noticed that, despite your best efforts, you somehow manage to still disappoint people?
At least that’s true for me. And it hurts. A lot.
I put a lot of effort into being nice to most people so that they can like me and say nice things about me.
I like being thought of as nice.
I’m addicted to that feeling.
It doesn’t matter what the person actually thinks. As long as I can walk away from the conversation feeling like I made a good impression on them, that’s all that matters.
But sometimes that’s just not the case. And I hear about it.
Did I mention that it hurts a lot?
How I react to disappointed people
I wish I could say that I was ok with disappointing people from time to time.
But that would not be true.
If someone looks at me the wrong way or give gentle feedback or gossip about me, I can easily get depressed.
The sad truth behind this is that others won’t love and accept me if I don’t conform to their will. Then I turn the disappointment inward.
So what’s a people pleaser to do?
Disappoint people on purpose
Many of the people I’ve disappointed in my life happened by accident. Despite my best efforts to please them, something I did or said displeased them.
There are much fewer people I’ve disappointed on purpose. I’d like to increase that number.
To be clear, disappointing people on purpose does not mean acting out of any malicious intent.
Instead, it’s an invitation to become a more authentic version of yourself. Because the truth is that if your goal is to disappoint no one, I can almost guarantee you that you are not being authentic.
When you decide to be authentic and live with greater integrity, it means that some people will not like you for the positions you take on various issues. They won’t like how you talk. Or how you laugh. Or what you wear.
And that’s ok. It’s ok to disappoint these people.
So here are some ways I would like to disappoint people more (read – live more authentically):
1. Listen to gut reactions
The body, especially the “gut,” never lies. But in the endless pursuit to please and be liked, we learn to discount our gut reactions. We say yes when we know very well we should say no. And often we end up paying a heavy price for approval.
I bet if you listened to your gut, you too would disappoint more people than you are now.
Do you have the guts to listen to your gut?
2. Be ok with being misunderstood
This one is very tough for me personally. I don’t like feeling misunderstood. I don’t like feeling like my words or actions were taken out of context or misinterpreted, especially when such interpretations are potentially harmful to my reputation. I suspect you may have similar feelings.
Start small with this one. If you’re used to always apologizing for your actions or defending or explaining yourself to someone over and over in order to appease them, try not saying anything in your defense. Let your actions alone speak.
This will put the ball back in the disappointed person’s court. Whether they choose to listen or not is entirely their business, not yours.
3. Be selfish
One of the worse things that can happen to a people pleaser is to be labeled as “selfish.”
Because we see selfless giving as an honorable way of providing value, this critique can cut to the core of our identity.
Which is why I choose to claim the need to be “selfish” every once in a while. This choice will certainly disappoint those who are used to me being available to them at a moment’s notice.
Instead, I choose to schedule time with myself and choose my needs over others. And in the spirit of this post, I chose to do this without qualification (though I’m tempted to because I don’t want you to be disappointed in me).
You will survive
Here’s the truth.
You’ve survived the disappointment of others before and you will continue to survive.
Yes, it can hurt, especially when the disappointed are people we admire or are close family and friends.
Trust that if you choose to take a stand, the world will not fall apart. The people you disappoint will learn to deal with it and they’ll get over it much faster than you think.
If you’re ready to live with greater authenticity and freedom, you too can learn to disappoint people.
Thank you, Cylon.
I am an habitual people pleaser – and I do like and strive for a peaceful atmosphere with everyone getting along with each other. However, one of the most useful things I experienced was when somebody simply said ‘No’ to me. I was going around the neighbourhood asking for support for a petition to get a dog warden.
I explained why I had knocked on his door, what the issue was and all I needed was his signature. He said ‘No.’ He offered no explanation, no apology – nothing at all except a cold, hard stare. I waffled more. He stared. I backed away. He stared. I shuffled away and he closed his door. Good lesson.
Yes, being a people-pleaser is a bit needy and quite rightly some people sense that and back away.
You are so right. We all have to strive to follow our own path whilst interacting, hopefully kindly, with others but not overwhelming them with our stuff.
Thanks, Cylon. Have a good week.
Wow, what an experience…must have been very hard. I admire people who go door to door. When they come to my door, even when I say “no” I try to do it nicely. I find myself wanting to explain why I said no so they won’t think I’m a bad person. I’ve had to learn that, even if they thought badly of me, I’ll survive the experience! In my job now as a hospice chaplain, I’ve learned to receive a “no” from patients who decline my services with grace and understanding. Some try to be nice about it, but some of my experiences are as you described above going door to door. Learning to handle such experiences have helped me experience greater emotional growth and freedom. Thank you for sharing and have a good week as well 🙂
Cylon,
I definitely see my issues with being OK with being misunderstood! It’s almost like I can’t help myself… I’ll just keep trying and trying, explaining, talking… Even when I don’t admit it out loud, like now, it’s rather embarrassing! Age has made this a little easier, but it still gets under my skin when I can’t make myself understood.
But, as I read this point, I had an immediate connection to Jesus’ trial! He was most definitely misunderstood, and lied about, yet he kept His tongue. It didn’t matter what the people thought. As you said, if the people choose to listen is entirely their business. Yes, He had to bear this for the sake of our salvation… He understood this.
I don’t pretend that keeping silent in the face of being misunderstood has much at all to do with a greater purpose, but what if it does? What if it really does matter? I can believe that it does matter for my own growth, but is it possible it could matter for the one who misunderstands? Could holding my tongue somehow benefit them? This is something I will need to ponder…
Thank you for provoking me!! Again!! (smile)
So true about Jesus…every time I watch a show or movie about the Passion, it’s the thing that gets me the most. I always think to myself, “How can you just stand silent? Defend yourself!!” For me, if there’s a greater purpose to tolerating being misunderstood, it’s so I can focus on understanding the one who misunderstands me…so yes, I would say it could potentially benefit them. When I’m more focused on defending myself, my listening skills go to zero! Incredibly hard work to remain open in such situations!
First off, let me tell you that I read your blogs every morning after I meditate. They’re a great start to my day. Thank you for sharing.🙏🏽
Yesterday, and even still this morning, were rough for me because I did exactly what you spoke of in this post: I intentionally disappointed someone. Not maliciously of course. But I made a decision to take a stand that went against what someone else wanted, yet I knew it was the best thing for me, and something I had to do because my heart was so heavy about it. After I said what I needed to say to the person, I immediately felt so liberated, it was exhilarating! But the fear and anxiety of not being liked, or certain people possibly not wanting to work with me, came soon after, and has almost been debilitating. Reading your post has reminded me that 1.) It’s impossible to please everyone anyway, no matter how hard I may try, and 2.) The anxiety I feel comes from a conditioned mindset of needing to please, and be liked by people in order to be good, and do good in life. Regardless of the consequences, I have to stand firm in my decisions. Because, if I don’t have my own back….. how can I even expect anyone else to?? I’m gonna try my best today to hold my head up high every time I have a negative thought about the choice I made yesterday. I’m gonna pat myself on the back for my bravery and discretion to do what’s best for ME. I’m gonna give myself the love and compassion I need and deserve regardless of any decision I may make, even if they turned out to be mistakes. Thank you for reinforcing what I already knew, but needed to be reminded of. Have a great day.💛
Hi Joell, what an incredible thing to hear…I’m so honored that my blog plays such a positive role in your life and that you’ve benefitted from my posts. I truly commend you for doing what you did. It’s not easy. Congratulations to you for having the strength to make the choice and stay the course! Thank you for posting this wonderful comment 🙂
👍🏾😊