11 Dangerous Phrases to Banish for a Better Life

“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.”

Ludwig Wittgenstein

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light (Gen 1:1 and 1:3).

There’s something compelling about the opening lines of the Bible. It describes the world’s creation out of a “formless and empty” earth.

It tells us that God spoke everything into existence (except for humans, which required a bit more work).

We’re fascinated by that kind of power. We’re fascinated by people who have the power to make things happen just by speaking (think of the FED chair’s ability to move global markets based on what they say).

Most of us don’t believe we have anything near that kind of power. We feel like nothing we do matters, much less what we say. We feel powerless in a world that seems to only listen to the powerful.

But you do have power. You have the power to create with your words. The world you create is your own. The only question is, what kind of world have you been creating?

The words we speak create worlds of beauty or dread. And it’s easy to create the latter when we’re not careful with our words.

That’s why I believe we should all have a list of banned words from our vocabulary. Words that we pledge never to speak, or at least speak mindlessly or often.

You may not know it, but some words and phrases may be holding you back from the life of joy and peace you desire. Consider whether you say any of these regularly:

1. I can’t

There are indeed many things you cannot do. Chances are high that I can’t become a pro basketball player no matter how hard I try.

But that’s not how we typically use this disempowering phrase. Instead, we use it for achievable things that require hard work and sacrifice.

So we routinely say things like, “I can’t lose weight,” “I can’t forgive,” “I’m not good at math.”

When “I can’t” is on the tip of your tongue, change it to “I won’t.” Because in most situations, the reason why we “can’t” do something has less to do with ability and more to do with our priorities.

It’s harder to say that something is not high enough on our list of priorities to command our attention and focus, but it’s the more empowering path.

And believe it or not, “I won’t” helps create a world of beauty because saying this forces you to examine or reexamine your priorities. When you say something like, “I won’t forgive,” your brain will be more likely to examine and challenge the statement. You will eventually find ways to move forgiving up your priority list.

2. They don’t like me

We spend a good portion of our lives trying to read other people’s minds to determine whether or not they like us.

It uses up a lot of our energy and often leaves us feeling like the world is against us. In this state, every action or remark can seem adversarial. The anxiety this creates can be crippling, especially in social settings.

When you say, “They don’t like me,” you’re really saying, “I don’t like me.”

So often, we project our negative feelings about ourselves on others. And to make matters worse, when we treat ourselves with little regard, others pick up on our cues.

When you’re tempted to say, “They don’t like me,” say this instead: “I love myself. This may feel unnatural. Do it anyways. As author Kamal Ravikant says, “As you love yourself, life loves you back.”

3. Life is unfair

I once came across a quote that says:

“I thought life is unfair until someone said life is fair because it is unfair to everybody.”

Remembering this sentiment is the secret to accepting the inherent unfairness of life.

When we cling to the notion that fairness is our birthright, we tend to easily become bitter when things don’t go our way, especially when other “less deserving” people seem to have it better than we do.

Complaining about life’s unfairness is unproductive at best. Instead, we can life’s unfair challenges as unfair advantages. Because without struggle or adversity, we’ll fail to experience real emotional and spiritual growth.

We are like butterflies that need to struggle to emerge from the cocoon with wings strong enough to fly. Without life’s “unfairness,” we won’t fly.

4. It’s not my fault

Our culture teaches us that when things go wrong, it’s necessary to find something or someone to blame. Other related phrases include, “I had no choice,” or “He or she made me do it.”

These phrases absolve you of responsibility and allow you to externalize the blame. Unfortunately, they also make it more difficult to learn from your mistakes or address the root cause of a problem.

In truth, the instinct to deflect any potential blame can come from a deep sense of shame or disappointment with one’s actions. But instead of releasing us from shame, this dangerous phrase keeps us trapped in negative cycles of thinking and behaving.

Instead of deflecting responsibility, seek to channel your inner detective. Explore your mind and heart to discover the source of the problem. Once you discover it, instead of seeing the process as fault finding, see it as an opportunity to respond so you can experience a more desirable outcome.

Let’s say, for instance, if you’ve struggled to lose weight, you may be tempted to blame your lack of progress on your spouse’s great cooking. What if instead you explored, perhaps with the help of a therapist, the source behind your excessive eating or lack of physical activity? Maybe you discover it’s how you deal with stress at work. All of a sudden, this knowledge creates multiple paths you can take to gain traction in your goal.

5. I don’t care

This is a phrase we use when we’re afraid of vulnerability. We use it when we want to demonstrate that the words and actions of others don’t affect us.

The problem is that we often betray our true feelings when we say this phrase. As social animals, we can’t help but care what others think to some extent.

Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, says this,

“When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection.”

If you’ve ever been rejected or betrayed, you know how strong the temptation is to desensitize to others. In theory, it makes sense. The problem is that it kills the very thing that gives us life.

All around us, we see the harmful effects of disconnection. Anxiety. Depression. Suicide. Division.

When you’re tempted to say “I don’t care,” say instead, “I will engage.” This doesn’t mean that you need to endure harsh criticism. It just means that you will not allow such criticism to close you off from connecting with anyone.

6. If only

So many of us spend our lives wishing things were different.

“If only I’d gone to college.”

“If only I hadn’t broken off the engagement.”

“If only I’d gotten that promotion.”

When we second-guess the flow of life, every decision becomes fraught with the fear of making a wrong choice. And we’re afraid such decisions will make us miserable for the rest of our lives.

Sure, choices can have long-term consequences, but whether we feel miserable for the rest of our lives is totally up to us.

We can choose not to define our lives by our past choices or life circumstances. We can choose to see how often our supposed “missteps” led to positive outcomes we never planned or anticipated. We can choose to trust in the flow of our lives.

So instead of saying, “If only,” say instead, “I trust.”

7. You always

This phrase, and its variations (“I always” or its opposite, “I/You never”), are most commonly heard during heated arguments.

But such exaggerations are not helpful and can cause long-term harm to relationships.

The words “always” and “never” appear when essential needs are not being met, especially the need to feel heard and accepted.

Attempts to get others to behave in ways that satisfy our needs frequently backfire.

When tempted to blame others for how you’re feeling in the moment, begin your sentence with, “I feel,” such as, “I feel ignored when you look at your phone while I’m speaking.” This will allow you to express your feelings non-threateningly and give the other person a chance to listen to your heart.

They will likely respond more favorably and may even change their behavior.

8. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings

It can be tough to know what to say when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. We might want to apologize, but the thought of doing so leaves us feeling vulnerable and defensive.

So instead of apologizing, we might say something like “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.” This may sound like an apology but it’s not.

The problem is with that little word “if.” What’s really being said is something like, “If you were a normal person, your feelings wouldn’t be hurt,” or “If you were less sensitive, you wouldn’t feel that way.” These dangerous sentiments shift the focus away from the speaker’s actions and de-legitmatizes the other person’s feelings.

The simplest way to heal hurts is to offer a sincere apology. And the simplest way to do that is to say, “I’m sorry my words/actions hurt you.”

9. I have to

“I have to go to work today.”

“I have to watch the kids.”

“I have to write this post.”

“I have to” is the fastest way to turn blessings into burdens. Instead, experiment with the phrase “I get to.”

“I get to” unleashes the power of gratitude in our lives. As a result, we learn not to take the blessings we enjoy for granted.

10. I know

Few things are more threatening than the possibility of being viewed as not intelligent or competent.

So we pretend to know things we don’t. We’re afraid to raise our hand to ask a question at a meeting. We’re scared to ask for help finding an item at the grocery store. And we’re quick to comment on subjects we know nothing about.

We cut ourselves off from learning to our detriment. Not only do we deny ourselves knowledge, but we also become intolerable to be around because few people enjoy the company of a know-it-all.

Replace the phrase “I know” with “I don’t know.” You will become like Socrates, who said, “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

11. I don’t have time

This phrase speaks to our over committed culture, even the glorification of it. From a young age, we receive the message that the more important you are, the busier you are.

However, our valuing of busyness has led us only to overwhelm and short-term thinking. We spend our days putting out the fires of the moment instead of contemplating the long view.

The next time you’re tempted to say, “I don’t have time,” say, “I have time for the things that matter to me.”

Let your words paint a picture of the life you want

In many ways, we are the most empowered generation in the history of the world.

Yet the words we use are creating lives that are fearful and fragmented.

Dare to create a vision of the life you want. Dare to use words that will bring your visions to life. Let your words paint a picture of the life you want.

I can’t wait to see what you create.