For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:13-14.
O God.
I have not lived up to the person I’ve always wanted to be.
Perfect.
Admired.
Free from the possibility of reproach.
Some may admire me based on the exterior I’ve fought so hard to build and protect. But the walls are crumbling and I’m terrified that those who may think and speak well of me will see behind the wall.
I’m terrified of what they will see. Of what they will discover. Of how their impressions of me would dive like a crashing stock market.
I mean, most reasonable people would freely acknowledge that we all have flaws. That’s relatively easy to accept if we can hold the idea at arm’s length, keeping ourselves from becoming aware of the details.
So I say to myself day and night:
“If people only knew the details of my flaws and imperfections, they would surely reject me.”
The sad truth is, Lord, that I’ve already rejected myself. I’ve been doing it since my youth because I wasn’t living up to all the values I was taught. For I have made many mistakes in my life.
I’m not saying that any of these events were the cause of my self-rejection. These were simply events, from which I created stories like “I’m worthless.” “I’m unlovable.” “I’m unworthy.”
Somehow, I’ve started believing the crazy thought that I am the absolute worst person on earth. And if others knew my story in its gory details, they would readily come to the same conclusion.
So I sit here alone
Feeling special in my worthlessness.
Because isn’t that what this is really about? I feel so starved for my own acceptance that I’m willing to put myself at the absolute bottom of the pit. At least there I’m somebody.
I’m the worst.
I would have rather been the best. But since I clearly don’t have the moral fiber or emotional and spiritual maturity for that, going for the worst is the next best thing–and so much easier to attain.
At this level, I might not feel so bad when the wall crumbles and people see me for who I really am.
But I still might.
And then I’ll have to dig the hole even deeper. Then what? Would I be impervious to the disapproval of others then?
Even as I write these words, I am afraid of being judged. But I feel justified in my feeling. “They don’t know how much I’ve tried to overcome my bad habits,” I quietly say to myself. Over and over I’ve continued to falter and fail despite my best efforts.
You know what’s hell on earth? Feeling like a fraud. Feeling like it’s only a matter of time before the world finds out just how bad I am. And no amount of self-hating can prepare me for the onslaught of judgment. I’m more afraid of being judged by others than being judged by You.
And why do I suffer so? All because I’m so insistent on relying on my own goodness. All because I’m unwilling to accept the truth that I’m already accepted by You.
Why is that so hard to accept?
Instead of striving to be the best or the worst, why can’t I just rest with the idea that I’m already accepted–like everybody else?
Because, in the end, would I rather be special or free?
Do I need to choose?
What if I failed to be patient and kind for the 1000th time? What if I let my emotions get the best of me yet again?
In the past, I often chose to create chaos to avoid facing the pain I’ve caused myself and others instead of just accepting myself as I am.
Help me this time to just get up, dust myself off, and try again.
No fanfare. No chaos. No drama.
Just acceptance.
Because, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Cylon, what a beautiful and so needed prayer. I have already shared this! ♥
Really appreciate the comment and the share Laurie 🙂
Thank you very much, Cylon.
You are spot on as usual – thanks for identifying ‘our problem’ and offering a remedy.
Blessings on you.
Thank you again.
My pleasure, Zara.
Cylon, Thank you for the prayer. But, as I prayed, it hit me in an unexpected way… I’m not sure if this will make sense, but as I prayed the prayer, I wondered if it is moreso a hiding from myself, in the face of God. Am I fighting hard to stay outside the walls of delusion I’ve built to protect myself from the terrifying reality of who I really am? Do I have the courage to see? If I were to see me as God KNOWS me… in my base humanity… I would surely wither and die of shame. My wall is almost impervious to what others think or feel about me, but I wish it was less accommodating of my own delusions! The thought of seeing who I really am is terrifying. I thank God I have faith and belief in His love, no matter who I really am.
Wow Eva…beautifully written. I’m grateful you made the prayer your own and for your sharing of these insights. As I read our thoughts, I couldn’t help but think of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and how they hid from God in shame. On my own journey, I am being “forced” to stop hiding from myself as I have in years past. And as you say, it’s a terrifying experience. But even then, I don’t know if I can fully know myself as God knows me…which I’m most grateful for. As they say, God never gives more than we can handle 🙂 Blessings.