We’re always trying to punch [fear] in the face, or kick its ass, or run away from it. But we seldom let it speak. ~ April Hadley
Punch fear in the face.
Banish your fear.
Become fearless.
Heard any of these phrases before? Maybe you’ve used them yourself a time or two?
We hardly question our hostility toward fear. And on the surface, it makes sense. Why be accommodating to something that makes us feel unpleasant?
But have you ever been able to rid yourself of your fears? Or have they just gone underground, wreaking havoc in your life without you even knowing it?
I’m willing to bet that 99% of the decisions you make in your life are directly influenced by your greatest fears:
The city you choose to live in.
The clothes you choose to wear.
The friends you choose to keep.
The college you chose to send your kids.
The person you chose to marry.
The car you chose to drive.
The phone you chose to buy.
The shows you choose to watch.
The food you choose to eat.
The spirituality you choose to practice.
The career you chose to work in.
The conferences you choose to attend.
The blog posts you choose to write.
Of course, this just scratches the surface. We haven’t even mentioned how fear causes you to do things like procrastinate, stay quiet, lash out in anger, or have anxiety attacks.
Your life is controlled by your fears. What fears you ask?
Just about every fear lurking around in your heart is related to this one big fear: the fear of loss. Loss of human connection, health, finances, esteem, admiration, love, and life.
You may bristle at the idea but take a moment to consider whether this may be true in your life. Consider the possibility that fear might have way more influence in your life than you realize.
If you accepted this as true how might it change your relationship to fear? If you had no choice but to deal with your fear, would you be as hostile toward it? Would you try to ignore it?
Befriending your fear
Here’s another perspective. What if instead, you tried befriending your fear?
What if you personified your fear as someone who actually wants the best for you?
Before we continue, it may be helpful to note that under the umbrella of “fear of loss” we have two subcategories of fears: rational fears and irrational fears.
Rational fears, for most of us, are pretty straightforward. If you walk onto a busy freeway, you’ll likely be flattened. If you run toward an angry dog, you’ll likely get bitten. In these scenarios, you can reasonably expect your fears to come true.
Irrational fears are much more challenging to deal with because in many cases, there’s a chance they may happen. It’s just less likely they will. For instance, if your child didn’t get into an Ivy League school, you may fear that they may end up destitute on the street. Or if you don’t dress a certain way, you fear no one will ask you out.
These things can happen, but it’s more likely that many other factors would have contributed to the result.
Rational fears clearly keep us out of danger and are easy to befriend. Irrational fears are more difficult to befriend. But these fears are trying to help us too and it is possible to befriend them, even if we choose not to accept them. So let’s focus on these fears.
How do you learn to befriend them?
1. Recognize that you are in fear mode almost all the time
Begin to entertain the notion that you are driven by your fears. Acknowledging this alone can free you to begin exploring your fears.
What was the last decision you made? Why did you make it? Was there a real, fear-based, reason for the decision you made?
2. Let your fear speak
Continuing with the idea of treating your fear as a person you love and respect, instead of actively trying to silence your fear, let it speak. Let it have its say.
I learned this strategy from April Hadley who was inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Big Magic. Gilbert shared what she wrote on her Facebook page.
Hadley wrote:
“Start with your fear. Ask it what it wants, what it doesn’t want, and why it’s so desperately holding you back from what your creativity and your courage might be asking you to attempt.
Let your fear speak. Let it write you a letter. Read the letter with open-minded and open-hearted affection. And then write back to your fear with love and kindness, and respectfully explain your new plan.
Your fear should always be allowed to have a voice, and a seat in the vehicle of your life. But whatever you do — don’t let your fear DRIVE.”
This is a powerful way to interact with your fear. Listen to your fear. Respond with kindness and respect. You’ll disarm your fear and feel its grip loosen.
3. Don’t go it alone
In some cases, it may not be a good idea to face your fears alone, especially if they involve past trauma.
If you’re terrified of driving because you were in a major accident, seeking professional help can make a big difference.
Oftentimes, just talking with someone who has gone through a similar experience can help you feel less isolated. With the love and support of others, you’ll be more motivated to courageously face your fears.
Don’t make fear your enemy
Fear is a formidable foe, but only if you treat it like your enemy.
If you’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked for you, you have nothing to lose by trying to befriend it.
You may be surprised to find a friend on the other side of your greatest fears. When you do, you’ll be poised to experience your greatest breakthroughs.
Hello Darkness, my old friend … as the song goes.
Thank you for this post, Cylon.
I think most of us are brought up in warrior mode – even girls, particularly these days! – to use brute force to overcome our fears. As you so rightly point out, we are like this even when we haven’t identified exactly what issue we are addressing. I guess ‘our fears’ are yet another example of relationships and as such we might consider taking a little time and patience to understand them before taking any action.
Good tactics. Thanks, Cylon.