3 Reasons Why the Pursuit of Certainty Is Making You Miserable

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” ~ Albert Einstein

Imagine a world where every decision or action turned out exactly the way you expected.

A world where everybody agreed on the fundamental truths of the universe.

A world where your deeply held beliefs were never examined or challenged.

The need for certainty is one that is embedded in each of us. We need a sense of certainty in our lives in order to experience a sense of order, emotional health, and well-being.

To have a functioning modern society, we need to know that our homes won’t collapse on us without warning. Or that you won’t get attacked by a random stranger every time you left your home. Or that our money won’t disappear from our bank accounts.

But for many of us, our need for certainty becomes absolute and begins to impact our lives in negative ways.

The false logic of certainty

The desire for certainty can be expressed as follows:

If you do X, then Y will happen.
Further, when Y happens you will be happy, content, fulfilled, etc.

However, these statements require two big assumptions. The first is that Y will necessarily follow from X. The second is that the realization of Y will make you happy.

Even in a generalized form, it doesn’t take much for us to realize that these assumptions don’t hold up to experience. Substitute real examples and it becomes all the more apparent.

Here are two examples:
1. If you start a business, you’ll make lots of money.
Further, when you have lots of money, you’ll be happy.

2. If you don’t speak or express an opinion when in a group setting (e.g. deciding where to dine with friends), you’ll be accepted by the group.
Further, when you feel accepted by the group, you’ll feel less insecure.

The first example is almost not worth elaborating on as there are numerous examples of people with more money than God who are absolutely miserable. Additionally, only 50% of businesses make it past 5 years.

In the second example, how many of us have failed to speak up to be accepted only to be dogged by a deep sense of inner betrayal. Self-betrayal causes us to feel more insecure over time, not less.

You may believe that the secret to happiness is to have more certainty in your life, but your pursuit may ironically be the source of your unhappiness. If you find yourself insisting on certain outcomes, here are some of the side effects you may be experiencing:

1. You may be a serial quitter

People who desire certainty above all else tend to be quitters. They have a string of unfinished projects and a trail of disappointment to match.

If you are pursuing any big goals, here’s what’s almost certain: it will usually take twice as long and twice the effort you thought it would take to achieve. And even with heroic efforts, success is not guaranteed.

So if you’re waiting for the perfect book idea that will produce the next bestseller, you’ll likely never start or quit as soon as challenges arise.

In a revealing interview with Lewis Howes, Mike Posner, successful singer, and songwriter shared that though he has written thousands of songs, most people know him because of two of those songs. That’s a remarkable statistic. The vast majority of his work is virtually unknown by his fans. Had he only written a handful of songs, he most likely would have remained an unknown songwriter.

Howes then asked him this question:

“What makes a song really go big?”

Here’s Posner’s reply:

“No one really knows, no one really knows. Because even the greatest writers, or the guys with the most hits ever, even more than me, like Max Martin, they still write tons of songs that aren’t hits. So, no one has this formula. If there was a formula, everyone would be using it…

And every time I try to, you know, when I was younger, I would try to make something that would be popular, it would never work. When I just do what I think is cool to me, sometimes, not always, sometimes, the whole world seems to agree.”

Posner didn’t give some cheap formula to satisfy the need for certainty evident in Howes’ question. He simply told the truth, “No one really knows.”
Want to be free of this misery? Let your creative pursuits flow from love rather than the need to always have success and recognition.

2. You may feel like life is always against you

Imagine you’re running late for work. You hop into your car with your coffee, but in your rush, you spill some on your favorite shirt. At this point, you’re already feeling like there’s a dark cloud over you. But then you turn the ignition and the car won’t start. If that didn’t put you in a pit of despair, a car passes too close on the street and takes out your rearview mirror…

We all have the feeling from time to time that the universe is against us, especially when we’re visited by a series of unfortunate events.

But for the person who is bent on pursuing certainty, life always feels it’s working against you rather than for you. As unexpected events in life challenge your need for certainty, you may develop an adversarial relationship with life.

In order to weather the ups and downs of life, many people would rather approach life with the certainty that things will go wrong 100% of the time rather than face the unexpected disappointments that come with uncertainty. By doing so, they also miss out on the unexpected joys.

If you’re tired of always fighting with life, ask yourself these questions: Who taught you that life should conform to your wishes? Was there ever a time in your life where this was the case? How long did it last?

How might dropping your expectations allow you to embrace and enjoy life more fully?

3. You may struggle to have meaningful relationships

For people who crave certainty in their ideas, it’s often not enough for them to fully buy into their own beliefs. They also wish them to be apparent to everybody else.

That would be amazing if it was borne out in our experience. But it is not. Hence some people find themselves engaging in useless arguments that do little to win others over to their side. However, such arguments are very effective in damaging relationships or preventing relationships from developing.

Others may withdraw from people who think differently. In either case, our relationships suffer. Of course, there are times when, for the sake of personal integrity, a person may rightfully risk harming important relationships by standing up for what they believe in.

However, what’s required more often than not is the ability to listen to others, even those who may challenge ideas we hold as absolute truths.

The more fearful you are to have your ideas challenged, the more you should scrutinize them. Be willing to listen, to grow, and yes, in some cases, even change your mind.

Free yourself from the trance of certainty

Life is unpredictable.

But unpredictable doesn’t necessarily mean unsafe. Even for all its uncertainty, life is essentially good.

Trust in this goodness.

Feel empowered to free yourself from the trance of certainty.

And you’ll have everything you need to navigate life’s ups and downs.