3 Reasons Why It’s Hard to Cultivate Gratitude (And What You Can Do About It)

The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.” ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

You’ve probably heard about the numerous physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits of gratitude according to the latest scientific research. The findings show that the regular practice of gratitude:

Increases happiness
Improves relationships
Promotes better sleep
Improves emotional intelligence
Increases self-esteem
Improves career success
Improves your marriage

Need I go on? Gratitude is almost universally recognized as having a 100% upside as far as overall health and well-being goes. It takes only minutes a day to practice. Oh, and it’s totally free. If this were a blockbuster drug, I’m guessing you’d be willing to pay good money to get your hands on some.

The gratitude gap

So why is developing a consistent gratitude practice so hard to do?

Turns out that even as we’ve become more aware about the benefits of gratitude, our practice have not caught up with our knowledge. Based on a 2012 gratitude survey of over 2000 Americans, authors Emiliana R. Simon-Thomas and Jeremy Adam Smith write:

“The results so far show that gratitude is very important to Americans, and that they actively feel grateful for what they have. But how often, and in what circumstances, do people actually say thanks? The results reveal more evidence for a phenomenon sometimes called the gratitude gap—given how often they feel it, and how important they think it is, Americans do not express gratitude very often.”

It’s hard to admit since I’m a huge advocate for practicing gratitude, but I can identify with this finding. I often have to be reminded about the importance gratitude plays in my spiritual development. It’s one of the reasons why I’m so grateful for Thanksgiving Day.

When I’m feeling pressured or stressed, gratitude is often the last thing on my mind. More often than not, I’m preoccupied with the one or two things that are going wrong rather than all that’s going right.

Can you identify?

3 possible reasons for the gap (and how to close it)

I have a few theories about why the gratitude gap exists and persists:

1. Gratitude runs counter to the idea of self-sufficiency

As powerful as the idea of gratitude is, there’s another that may be even more powerful—the self-made man or woman.

Since the Enlightenment, with the decline of faith and the rise of science and reason, we have come to think of ourselves as masters of the universe. We’ve also internalized this view, thinking that we are total masters over our own lives.

To regularly practice gratitude means staring square in the face the myth of self-sufficiency. Think about it. If you practice gratitude regularly, you are probably thankful for things in our life you have no control over—starting with your life.

You didn’t bring yourself into being. You have no control over the fact that you need to eat and breathe. You don’t control the weather. But these are all things we rightfully give thanks for because these are all gifts bestowed to us from outside ourselves.

When you say “thank you” to someone or express gratitude for something in your life, you’re basically saying:

“I could not have achieved all I have achieved or be all who I have become without you. I am thankful that you are a part of my life and that you contributed to my well-being. I see you and I don’t take your presence in my life for granted.”

Who knew two simple words could say all that?

How can you close the gratitude gap? In the foreword to the book Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss, Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his essay with this powerful statement:

“I am not a self-made man.”

It’s rare and refreshing to see someone so successful speak the truth about his success so plainly. He goes on to pay tribute to the many people who contributed to his success.

To close the gratitude gap, we need to remind ourselves of our dependence on each other by continually declaring, “I am not self-made.”

2. We routinely take each other for granted

You’ve probably heard the saying “familiarity breeds contempt.”

This often plays out when we take people close to us and the benefits they bring to us for granted. It’s amazing how quickly our appreciation of something someone does for us can become an expectation.

The first time someone picks up after you, you’re grateful. By the third time, it becomes an expectation with no need for recognition or gratitude.

How many of us simply expect our kids to pick up after themselves with no encouragement or praise? How many of us feel like our hard work and contributions are largely invisible at work? How many of us have had our romantic relationships go from sizzle to fizzle because we no longer see the need to praise, compliment, or thank our partner? Too many.

How do we close the gratitude gap? Remember this powerful quote by Tony Robbins:

“Turn your expectations into appreciation and your whole life will change.”

3. We don’t take the practice seriously

In many circles, gratitude is considered a “soft skill.”

Depending on how you define “soft,” that may be true. But what’s not true is that successfully establishing a gratitude habit is easy and requires no intentional effort.

The people who have truly mastered gratitude all have one thing in common—they don’t leave it to chance. They systematically and intentionally develop routines designed to make them express gratitude on a daily basis.

Some ways to systematize gratitude?

Start a gratitude journal.
Write a thank you letter a day.
Practice the Daily Examen.
Do gratitude meditations.
Thank a loved one every day.

Regardless of what system you choose, the critical component is to practice gratitude daily. Intentionally incorporating gratitude into your life is a surefire way to close the gratitude gap.

Commit to closing the gap

Has the gratitude gap stopped you from harnessing its full power?

It’s time now to close the gap so you can unleash the power of gratitude in every area of your life.

When you commit to doing so, not only will you radically change your life, you’ll change the lives of those around you as well.