A Two-Step Process for Dealing with Difficult People

The greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person – it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance ~ Marc and Angel Chernoff.

Are you currently struggling with a difficult person in your life?

If it’s a person you can’t easily avoid, it can feel like hell on earth.

Maybe it’s your boss, a close relative, or even your spouse.

Whenever you’re around them or think of them, you experience feelings of anger or fear. You feel victimized, manipulated, or used.

You’ve probably done everything in your power to try to change the person to no avail. You’ve complained to others about them, you’ve cried over the situation, you’ve even confronted them—but the behavior got worse, not better.

You’re exhausted. You feel trapped. You’re hurting.

There is hope

You may feel like there’s no hope to your situation, but there is a way out of this hell. I must warn you though that this way is by no means easy. It will be harder than anything you’ve tried before because the path out of hell runs straight through it.

You see, the question of how to deal with difficult people is really a question of how to deal with yourself. You may have already heard this idea before but actively resist it. This is natural and understandable. It’s hard to turn inward when you feel like you’re being externally attacked from all sides.

But if you’ve exhausted all other possibilities that involve changing the other person, you may now be ready for this alternative path:

1. Drop your illusions

The biggest source of your pain is not the actions of the other person, but your attachment to your expectations of what you think the person is or should be.

You’re likely mourning, on a deeply unconscious level, the incongruence between the person you hoped for and the person as they really are.

Maybe this person egregiously betrayed your trust years before. In that moment, you decided that this person is cruel and unworthy of your love. From that point forward, you see everything about this person through the lens of your own pain, disgust, even hatred.

To be free of this pain, you must drop the labels you’ve given this person. You must drop these illusions. You must fully own your expectations, emotions, and reactions.

Here’s a passage from Anthony DeMello’s The Way to Love to ponder:

“The moment you say so-and-so is wise or is cruel or defensive or loving or whatever, you have hardened your perception and become prejudiced and ceased to perceive this person moment by moment, somewhat like a pilot who operates today with last week’s weather report.

 

Take a hard look at these beliefs, for the mere realization that they are beliefs, conclusions, prejudices, not reflections of reality, will cause them to drop.”

2. Choose love

Here’s the paradox when it comes to dealing with difficult people:

The way you react to their behavior is all about you. But how they behave toward you almost always have nothing to do with you—it’s all about them.

Dropping your illusions requires you to acknowledge the first part of the paradox. Choosing to respond to this person with love requires you to acknowledge the second part.

Please understand that this love is not about being soft, or quietly enduring abuse, or even being friendly toward the person. Indeed, you may need to take drastic steps to protect yourself from them.

Love is your ability to fully accept the person just as they are. It means to see them, not through the lenses of your own expectations, but through the lens of reality. When you’re open to seeing them as they truly are, you’ll instinctively treat them with kindness and compassion—even if it has to be from a distance.

From victim to influencer

If you’re actively being victimized by a difficult person in your life, everything in you will resist these two steps.

But they are critical if you want to free yourself from their toxic influence.

Resist the urge to hold on to your illusions or harden your heart.

Instead of allowing others to control you, become a shining example, capable of positively influencing even the most toxic person in your life.