“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” ~ Carl Jung
Do you feel like you’re suffocating under the weight of your own life?
You’ve got so many things to do, you don’t know where to start.
You wonder how life got this way, yearning for a time when you didn’t have to worry about the next thing on your to-do list.
Take a look at that list.
Now ask yourself, “Who put that item on my list?”
Now do that for the next one. And the next one. And the next.
Let me guess…was the answer, “Me, me, and…..me”?
If so, go find a mirror, take a hard look at it, and then jump for joy. If most of the things that keep you bogged down in your life were put there by you, then you have a simple solution to your problem, right?
The power of a little phrase
Well, not quite.
The reason it’s not so easy to tame your busy life is that most of us don’t experience the things we do as choices of our own making, but as external forces acting upon us.
I have to make dinner for the kids every single night.
I have to fix the back deck by next week.
I have to find Mr. Right by this time next year.
I have to work 7 days a week to keep food on the table.
I have to accept every after-work gathering invitation.
I have to read these 10 books by the end of summer.
All of a sudden, life is filled with thing that you have to do. But you can’t possibly find the time to fit them all in. Furthermore, you find no joy in them. You suffocate.
The reason? Because of the little phrase, “I have to.” When your self talk includes these three little words, you find yourself feeling more burdened and less joyful. Where did all these “I have to’s” come from?
Have you ever taken the time to examine this? No?
Well, let’s do that now…
A conversation between obligated self and liberated self
You may not know this, but there’s a constant inner dialogue going on between your obligated self and liberated self.
If you slow down long enough to listen in, you might hear something like this:
Obligated self: I have to mow the lawn today.
Liberated self: Says who?
OS: Why…me, of course?
LS: Is it something you want to be doing right now?
OS: Well…not really. I’d rather be reading a book.
LS: So why not do that?
OS: Are you kidding me? So that people can say that I’m lazy and self-indulgent? Besides, the grass is overgrown and the lawn needs to be mowed. The neighbors will start to notice and complain.
LS: So what?
OS: We’ll have a bad reputation around town. Our property value will go down, And we’ll get reported to our municipality.
LS: How do you know that?
OS: I don’t know. I’ve trashed-talked other people’s overgrown lawns. I’ve also learned a thing or two from home improvement shows and the like.
LS: OK. What is the likelihood of these fears coming true?
OS: I have no idea. Not sure if it matters. Just the thought of any of them happening is enough to cause me concern.
LS: So, you’re saying that it’s the thoughts in your own head rather than any actual consequence that’s keeping you obligated?
OS: Never thought of it that way, but I guess so.
LS: Are you happy with this?
OS: No. It’s not the fact that I feel compelled to mow the lawn that makes me miserable. It’s the reason why I feel compelled. I hate to think that I am controlled by my fear of what others think of me and my fears about the past and future.
LS: What would life be like if you could eliminate the thought, “I have to mow the lawn.”?
OS: I would probably just mow the lawn without all the painful stories playing in my head. Or I would just do something else and mow the lawn another time. I guess I would be willing to deal with the consequences of my choice.
LS: That’s true. Do you think you would be happier?
OS: I think so. I think I would feel liberated from my self-limiting beliefs. Come to think of it, why do I choose to live in a neighborhood that values lawn mowing well beyond what I’m comfortable with? There are so many other things I can spend my valuable time doing.
LS: I don’t know. Only you can answer that. Sounds like you have an opportunity to make some new decisions?
OS: Yes, I do. And it’s opened up a whole new world of possibilities for me.
There are no obligations, only choices and consequences
The sad truth is that we frame most of the things we do in our lives as obligations.
But the real truth is that obligations don’t exist. Only choices.
Every choice has consequences. Obligations are those choices that we’re terrified of bearing the consequences for not doing.
If you say “I want to mow the lawn because I’m afraid of what the neighbors would say,” you will likely get to a healthier place more quickly than by saying, “Ugh, I have to mow the lawn today.”
Of course, you can substitute any obligation that is holding you hostage. Just try stating the truth plainly and you’ll see that obligation quickly transform into a choice.
You’ll then be confronted with another choice. Make peace with the choice you’ve made or make a different choice.
Hi Cylon,
Thank you for this – it is so true!
Me and my baggage of ‘have tos’ and ‘should dos.’
What’s even unhappier is when I say – ‘they should!’
You are so right – choices and consequences – more empowering and probably kinder.
Thank you!
You’re welcome Zara…you are right, nothing is more tormenting than “they should!”
In my case it is the obligated self that comes in to challenge the liberated self …
LS.. let me go read my book
OS..but you’ve got to cut the lawn…
How do I deal with the kill joy without keeping the guilt it brings?
Good one! In my case, the liberated self would say “good choice!” In the post, I suggest that the way the deal with the kill joy is to acknowledge that you’re making a choice rather than being compelled to do something because of what others may think. Of course, there are may instances when we feel that way and the liberated self would suggest you state that plainly. When I do that, I can more quickly lose the guilt or shame and just get on with it….or feel empowered to make a different choice.
Again, timely topic for me! We have a decision to make… we’ve been asked to take on a tremendous responsibility and to a degree, I feel obligated, because I know we have the talent and ability to do the “job.” We see no one else on the horizon currently equipped to the task. On the other hand, I’m only now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel of a 3 year term in a different position in the org., and I was looking forward to freedom! Am I obligated to take on the new position? No, but is God asking this of us? Dunno! Do I feel obligated because I feel bad that the current couple in the job would be relieved of the stress of searching? I shouldn’t, but I do feel bad! We’ve been praying, and conversing, and seeking feedback for about a month now and we’re still unsure. If I had to give it a name right now, I guess I’d call it an obligation, not a choice… which pretty much tells me to just say NO!