How to Compare Yourself to Others

“Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.” ~ William Arthur Ward.

Ever struggle with comparing yourself unfavorably with others?

You are hardly alone. It’s one of the biggest challenges we face as humans. And with the advent of social media, we all have access to powerful tools that facilitate and intensify competitive comparison.

In a guest post I recently wrote, one of the points illustrated a way to overcome the comparison instinct without fighting it directly.

Here’s what I wrote:

Stop comparing yourself to others. You’ve probably heard this numerous times before. It’s great advice, except for the fact that we’re hardwired to compare.

It’s part of our social DNA and we do it all the time to make sense of our world – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Of course, we exacerbate the unhealthy aspects of comparing by fixating on what others have versus what we lack. And our addiction to social media has only compounded the problem. Nothing will get you off your unique path faster than this habit.

So how do you curb your natural instinct to compare?

Don’t try to fight it outright because you’ll lose. Instead, when feelings of inadequacy and jealousy start to arise in you as you compare, turn these feelings into admiration and gratitude.

Celebrate their successes and express gratitude for the ways their accomplishments can inspire you to embrace your own unique path to your own version of success.

Don’t let your comparing allow others to define success for you. Let it propel you to finally define and pursue your very own success.

Still unsure how to go about doing this?

Here are some additional points to help you implement this strategy:

1. Identify an area in your life where you already turn inadequacy into admiration

I’d discovered a passion for classical music, particularly piano music, in my early teens. I started taking piano lessons at the ripe old age of 12 but progressed quickly. Years later after moving to the United States, I was fortunate to study with exceptional teachers and work alongside some seriously talented students. Most were much better, and younger, than I was. But I noticed that I was (almost) never jealous of their exceptional talent.

In a world known for it’s cutthroat competition, it’s easy to meet gifted pianists who feel like losers compared to others. For me, watching a gifted pianist play always left me in awe. I would study their technique and talk with them about music. Spending time with such exceptional musicians allowed me to progress in my own playing. This is where I learned to turn feelings of inadequacy into sincere admiration and gratitude. My love of music only deepened.

What inspires awe in you? Maybe it’s watching olympic athletes in full flight or listening to gifted speakers like MLK, or reading the biographies of world changers such as Gandhi. To succeed at developing this comparison habit, start with what inspires you about other people.

2. Apply this natural tendency to areas where you struggle with negative comparison

As an introvert, I’ve always admired people with charismatic personalities who could work a room. Along with this admiration would come deep feelings of inadequacy. My best friend in high school was charismatic. He could strike up friendly conversation with anyone and had a knack for making people laugh. On the other hand, I was much more shy and reserved. And I couldn’t tell a joke to save my life.

I would often find myself being jealous of my friend and wishing I could be just like him. I would put myself down for being afraid to talk to people or for being boring and uninteresting to others. But one day I realized that I could turn my perceived inadequacy into admiration – just like I did naturally in the world of music. Appreciating and admiring my friend’s gifts allowed me to appreciate my own gifts. It allowed me to see how our gifts actually complemented each other and help each of us grow. I learned to be a bit more outgoing while he learned the value of solitude and quiet self-reflection.

Where do you currently struggle with negative comparison? How might turning inadequacy into admiration change your outlook and results for the better?

3. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you struggle

None of this is easy. Negatively comparing ourselves to others is as easy a breathing. I continue to fall back into this habit from time to time. When I try to fight these feelings directly, I lose. Instead of fighting, I acknowledge the struggle and ask myself, “How can I turn this feeling of inadequacy into something I can admire and celebrate?”

Be patient with yourself as you work through your challenges and you’ll soon find yourself able to break free of the negative cycle much faster.

It’s time to celebrate

Use the comparison instinct to celebrate the different and complementary gifts we all share. It is this diversity of gifts that make our world a rich and marvelous place to live.

You’ll find that there’s so much to celebrate that you’ll have little time for negative comparisons.

So what are you waiting for?

Bring your gifts to the party and let’s celebrate.