How to Cultivate Greater Self-Awareness

“We see people and things not as they are, but as we are.”

Anthony de Mello

Imagine you’re in a job interview.

You’re being asked questions like, What are your biggest strengths? What are your greatest weaknesses? Why should we hire you?

You feel like you should be able to answer these questions easily. After all, who knows you better than you know yourself? But you stumble with incoherent answers to questions you hadn’t thought about before (or in years).

Or picture yourself in conversation with an opinionated friend (you know you have one). They challenge you to explain the principles behind your political views. 

Not sure how to answer, you make up something that in retrospect makes you feel ashamed of yourself because deep down, your views are very different. However, you lacked the clarity and conviction needed to clearly articulate your views under fire.

Situations like these can be demoralizing. It’s pretty disconcerting to feel like you don’t know yourself as well as you should.

Maybe you feel like you can’t trust yourself to think, say, or do the right thing. Maybe you’re afraid of being led astray by corrupting forces. Maybe you’re sad at the thought that you’ve lost touch with who you are and what you stand for.

Don’t be alarmed by this. The truth is that we all have blind spots that inhibit our ability to be fully self-aware.

It may be surprising that in a world of instant access to information, we find ourselves less knowledgeable about ourselves than ever before. Why is that?

The dirty secret about self-awareness 

I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret about self-awareness that might be hard to hear:

Despite the “self” in self-awareness, we can’t become more self-aware all by ourselves.

Understanding this is crucial to becoming truly more self-aware. See, the problem isn’t that we just lack self-awareness, it’s that we tend to believe we’re more self-aware than we actually are. 

It’s much easier to tell ourselves stories than subject ourselves to the scrutiny of others. So when we’re confronted and challenged, we often respond by freezing or allowing ourselves to be controlled by our emotions or the undue influence of others rather than our core beliefs and principles.

Becoming truly self-aware involves much more than simply thinking or believing that you’re self-aware. It’s more than looking at yourself through an idealized lens. 

It requires emotional strength to hear things about yourself you’d rather not hear and then take the necessary steps to maximize your strengths and learn from your weaknesses.

Don’t get me wrong, self-awareness does require lots of introspection as well. It’s just that too often we engage in self-deception rather than self-reflection.

The key is to find the right balance between introspection and honest feedback from your environment.

If you think all of this is hard work, you’re right. But the rewards are worth it.

So let’s dive right into some strategies you can start using today to help you develop greater self-awareness. To do this, we’ll divide the steps into two large sub-groups.

Listening to others

Most advice on growing self-awareness recommend you start with self-reflective or introspective activities. The problem with this is that it’s too easy to get stuck in these steps and fool ourselves into thinking that we’re doing the real inner work required. 

I recommend we start by first gathering feedback from the environment and using the insights gleaned as a starting point for personal reflection.

Here’s how to begin gathering valuable feedback:

1. Ask for it

So obvious. So easy, right? Wrong. Asking for honest feedback about how you’re doing in any area in life is difficult, if not downright terrifying.

We’d much rather deceive ourselves rather than hear honest feedback, even when we know the truth is more helpful.

The key is asking the right people the right questions. Ask close friends and people who you admire and respect. They may share hard truths but most responses will likely be kind, respectful, and even helpful.

You can ask questions like, What are your impressions of me as a parent or coworker? What, in your opinion, are my greatest strengths? What are the two or three biggest areas I could improve? 

Be open to the feedback you receive. Understand that the feedback represents how you’re showing up to them, regardless of whether or not you think it’s accurate or true.

If you get feedback you disagree with or upsets you, ask yourself, Why am I showing up in this way to this person? What personal characteristics or traits do I need to work on to show up in a more positive way?

2. Pay attention to what others say and do in your presence

If you’re not yet feeling brave enough to ask for feedback outright, you can actually glean a lot of information from what others do and say when they are around you.

The truth is that you probably have a number of people in your life who already offer unsolicited feedback in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. The problem is that we tend to be more easily offended by unsolicited feedback and reject it out of hand.

The key is that we become more open to hearing what people are trying to tell us beyond their actual words.

You can also pay attention to their body language. Do they tend to greet you warmly or with a cold shoulder? When meeting someone for the first time, what does their body language say about their first impressions of you? 

Of course, there’s the risk of reading their words and actions the wrong way. But if you approach your interactions with the openhearted intention of learning more about how you show up to them, you may glean surprisingly accurate feedback.

3. Identify traits in others that bother you

It’s hard to admit, but often when there’s something about another person that bothers us, it’s often a reflection of traits we don’t like in ourselves.

So next time you find someone annoying or bothersome, ask yourself, “What is it about them that bothers me so much? What similar traits do I see in myself?” 

4. Take personality tests

Personality assessments such as the Myers-Briggs or StrengthFinders tests can give you great insights into your strengths and weaknesses.

If you’re skeptical of the results of a test, show it to a friend or two to get their thoughts. 

Listen to your soul

Once you’ve gained valuable feedback from others, you can now turn to the wisdom of your own soul (or conscience) to hear what it has to say.

Just like unsolicited advice, there is no shortage of wisdom being communicated by your soul. The problem is that we seldom take time to truly listen.

Here’s how you can begin to do so:

1. Journal

Journaling can be a great way to begin processing the feedback you get from others and comparing them with your own thoughts and beliefs about yourself. 

Write about your reactions to what you hear from others and your own thoughts about yourself. Write about your hopes and dreams. Write about your fears and concerns. What comes up over and over? 

How are you acting on or ignoring the wisdom being offered to you? 

2. Practice mindfulness

Developing a mindfulness practice is a great way to become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings about yourself without judgment. In fact, this is one of the central features of self-awareness.

The practice of mindfulness and mindfulness meditation have exploded in recent years and there are many great books on the subject. 

However, you can start with something very simple like sitting quietly for five minutes each day and noticing the thoughts and feelings that arise within you. You can combine this with journaling afterward to process what came up.

3. Examine your values and goals 

We’re so often caught up in the day-to-day of our lives that we seldom take time to consider the hidden values that may be driving our actions or fueling our frustrations.

Find some time to make a list of the things you value most based on your aspirations and actions. Then examine them to determine which ones are working for you and which are working against you.

Use your revised list of values to create a list of goals based on the life you want to experience. It’s here where becoming more self-aware can have practical benefits in your personal and professional life.

4. Engage in daily self-reflection

One of the best practices I know for daily reflection is the Daily Examen which involves prayer reflection at the end of each day to determine God’s presence in the flow of one’s life.

This practice, rooted in Ignatian spirituality involves these five steps: 

1. Become aware of God’s presence.

2. Express gratitude for the day.

3. Review your day, recalling specific moments, your feelings at the time, and instances where you felt closer to God and times you noticed shortcomings.

4. Ask for forgiveness and healing for the shortcomings.

5. Look forward to tomorrow. Ask God for help to live better tomorrow.

This prayer can be a wonderful way to engage in self-reflection and get in touch with the deepest parts of yourself.

Self-Awareness is the superpower among superpowers

When you develop your self-awareness, you will soon realize that it’s the superpower among superpowers.

With greater self-awareness, other characteristics such as confidence, courage, decision-making, resilience, self-forgiveness, and good judgment increase as well.

You will learn to become more confident in your skin, whether you’re at a job interview or hanging out with friends.

And most importantly, you’ll fall in love again with the person in the mirror.