How to Feel More Connected to Others

“People generally overestimate how distinct their lives are, so the commonalities seemed to them like a series of miracles.”

David Brooks

“It’s hard to find meaning in what we do if at some level it doesn’t help someone else or make someone happier.”

Matthew D. Lieberman

It was 1994.

I was still in high school and had just returned home to a strange sound coming from the family computer.

We’d just installed dial-up Internet and everyone was gathered around this new and strange technology. Once we had waited for what seemed like an eternity for the computer to log-on, we were able communicate with people around the world through chatrooms. Remember “a/s/l”?

It felt like magic.

If you’re of a certain age, you too probably remember the first time you encountered the internet. If you were born in 1994 then the connected computer has always been a part of your life.

Today, we all take the internet for granted. Not only are our computers connected, but our appliances, TVs, and home security systems as well. As I write this, the next generation of interconnectivity called 5G is all the buzz, promising to usher in the age of virtual reality and driverless cars.

The speed of 5G is rivaled only by the speed of innovation that got us to this point.

Human disconnection

But there’s been another trend.

One that’s much slower, spanning thousands of years. Because while our machines have learned to communicate and connect with greater efficiency and speed, we humans have seemingly become more disconnected from each other.

In the hunter-gatherer days, having small communities of connection were utterly necessary for our survival. We derived, not only protection from these groups, but also a sense of purpose and meaning.

We’ve evolved to the point where we can easily delude ourselves into thinking that we are completely autonomous. As long as you have the financial resources, you don’t need to depend on any one person or small group for food, clothing, or shelter.

On the macro-level, we’re masters of cooperation, expanding our ability to cooperate from small hunter-gatherer groups to billions. Before the connected computer, other technologies such as agriculture, writing systems, and the printing press powered our increasing ability to cooperate and connect across vast distances.

But on the micro-level, we’ve largely forgotten the magic of connection one-on-one or in relatively small communities. Today, most of us experience such connection virtually but it just doesn’t have the same impact as in-person connection.

At the same time, we hold up the wisdom of the individual over the wisdom of the collective. Instead of drawing on the wisdom of our elders, we confine them to nursing homes. We’ve lost faith in our societal institutions (sadly, with good reason)  such as religion, education, and government.

So we’re only left with ourselves to depend on. We’re clueless, isolated, and overwhelmed. We may be free, healthy, and well fed, but our lives feel more meaningless than ever. Call it the paradox of progress.

Be more like trees

As amazing as connected computers are, it was connected brains that brought the Internet into being. If we want our individual brains to be happy and healthy, they need to be connected to other brains.

Though we may all appear to be leading separate, individual lives, just below the surface, we’re more like trees.

Robin Wall Kimmerer captures the essence of connectedness in the natural world in her book, Braiding Sweetgrass. In it she writes:

In the old times, our elders say, the trees talked to each other. They’d stand in their own council and craft a plan. But scientists decided long ago that plants were deaf and mute, locked in isolation without communication. The possibility of conversation was summarily dismissed…

… There’s now compelling evidence that our elders were right—the trees are talking to one another. They communicate via pheromones, hormonelike compounds that are wafted on the breeze, laden with meaning.

But Kimmerer reveals that the trees also connect underground. She continues:

The trees in a forest are often interconnected by subterranean networks of mycorrhizae, fungal strands that inhabit tree roots….The mycorrhizae may form fungal bridges between individual trees, so that all the trees in a forest are connected.

From mirror neurons to pheromones to the power of human touch, we’re just beginning to understand how deeply connected we are to one another.

Even when we feel disconnected, these underground pathways of connection are always available to us. We just need to tap into them.

Be more like kids

Children instinctively understand the power of connection. I was reminded of this as I was working on this very post. With my stress levels rising as I was coming upon my self-imposed deadline for publication, my son walked up to me to ask a question:

“Dad, remember how we used to play catch outside?”

“Yea,” my head still buried in the computer.

“Could we play now?” With the winter season behind us, I didn’t have much of an excuse.

I immediately felt a wave of shame. It’s been a while since we’d connected in this way. I felt even more shame when I felt resistance within me. I was tired and I just wanted to get the post done.

But I decided to close the computer and spend some much needed time outdoors playing with the kids.

I came back feeling energized and refreshed. I was able to release my stress and enjoy living in the moment with people I love. Whether or not I finished this post felt less pressing.

When in doubt, connect

The good news is that isolation is a state of mind. You are always in a state of connection and that can never be broken.

When you feel stressed, isolated, or lonely, become like little children and seek connection. Leave your devices behind and go for a walk in a public park. Just being around other people can do a world of good.

When you wake up, think of all the people who are waking up with you at that very moment. When you breathe, think of all the people who breathed the very air molecules you’re taking in now. When you’re experiencing a difficult situation, think of all the people who are facing similar challenges.

You don’t have to spend another moment feeling useless or hopeless. You can choose to connect.