“Order is the public facade we’re called upon to wear, the politeness of a gathering of civilized strangers, and the thin ice on which we all skate.” ~ Jordan Peterson
Order.
It’s the one thing we as humans crave more than almost anything else. Order represents predictability, safety, certainty, and survival.
Our societal way of life is built on the premise that we need order to survive and thrive. We have laws and norms to help us achieve this important goal.
It’s remarkable that it seems like we have largely succeeded in created a world ruled by order:
Your paycheck deposits into your bank account like clockwork.
Lines on our highways keep cars from colliding into each other.
Your trash gets picked up every week.
Wars don’t spontaneously break out on your doorstep.
Order gives way to chaos
But you also understand that there are times when paychecks don’t make it to your account on time to cover upcoming expenses.
That sometimes, cars do drift from their lanes into oncoming traffic.
That sometimes, garbage collectors go on strike, leaving rotting trash to spoil an otherwise beautiful neighborhood.
And that there are many places around the world where wars do break out and personal safety is far from guaranteed.
In these moments of understanding, we feel the powerful force of chaos breaking into our world, like hurricane winds shattering the windows of your home.
Jordan Peterson describes the inbreaking of chaos this way:
“Chaos is the despair and horror you feel when you have been profoundly betrayed.”
We all know what this betrayal feels like; when the thin ice of order breaks and the ground upon which we stand is no more.
Chaos has a way of washing you away and taking you to places you would never have chosen to go. Chaos shows up when life is ready to reveal itself to you by dissolving the facade.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Why can’t life just keep the facade intact?” or “What’s the point of chaos?”
I don’t quite know the answer to these questions myself. I could say that chaos helps you grow as a person so you become more mature, thoughtful, and empathetic human being. I believe that’s often true. But I also know that chaos can wreak devastating pain and destruction in ones life.
No discernible lessons learned. No silver linings. No happy endings.
Just unspeakable pain.
How to prepare for chaos
There are two ways you can learn to prepare for the cycles of chaos that inevitably come to us all:
1. Have a plan
It goes without saying that preparing for anything necessitates having a plan. We don’t plan for the coming of chaos because we are simultaneously terrified of chaos and blindly trusting of order.
When we don’t plan, we’re prone make poor decisions when chaos strikes. A person who lost lots of money in a business deal gone south may throw more money away trying to fix the problem. Or a person who lost a spouse suddenly may try to re-enter the dating scene before they’re ready.
Probably the most important plan you can have is to wait for a certain period before making important decisions. Another is to consider is to resist immediately assigning blame (or just avoiding blame altogether). A third is making a commitment not to run away from your sadness and pain.
2. Learn to deal with low level chaos
How do you react when you’re late for a meeting? Or when you spill coffee on your shirt? Or when the house is messy?
If you routinely overreact to these relatively minor inconveniences, you will have a harder time dealing with higher level chaos when it comes.
The truth is that most of us either overreact or try to ignore our feelings. However, it’s all but impossible to ignore the anxiety such situations produce in us. Alison Wood Brooks of Harvard Business School proposes reframing anxiety as excitement:
“The way we verbalize and think about our feelings helps to construct the way we actually feel. Saying ‘I am excited’ represents a simple, minimal intervention that can be used quickly and easily to prime an opportunity mind-set and improve performance.”
This was described largely in the context of people preparing to do difficult things, such as giving a speech to a large audience. But it can also work when dealing with minor to moderate inconveniences.
Chaos will never lead you astray
The key to weathering chaos in our lives is to stop pretending it doesn’t exist. The truth is that chaos is all around us, all the time.
If you learn to befriend it instead of avoid it, very few things will frighten you. Very few things will take away your peace. And you will learn to trust that chaos is ultimately a life-giving, benevolent force that will never lead you astray.
Wow! That ending is intriguing… and suspenseful… maybe in a future post you can share more on this concept.. I “get” what you mean, I think! But there’s a healthy way of being prepared, and an unhealthy way. Sometimes, I find myself on the unhealthy side. Fatalistic… “OK, everything is going great, when’s the shoe going to drop?” That’s not exactly healthy! As I type, I start answering my own thoughts! (ha ha) So… the healthy way would be to know and accept that the coin can flip in a split second, so enjoy these calm, happy, peaceful moments – in the moment. I just need to keep my mind in check, and control the impulse to look for trouble the whole time my life is in “order.”
Truthfully, I squirmed a bit after I wrote the ending, especially the last sentence and my use of the word “benevolent.” Felt like it was inconsistent with the general direction of the rest of the post…hence your comment about a future post is fitting. But I kept it and as it feels true for me. I know well the “unhealthy” side of which you speak. Brené Brown calls it “foreboding joy.” I really liked Zara’s line where she said, “A good observation that we are unwise to be alarmed at a naturally occurring event.” I think this captures what I was trying to say at the end. Chaos is a natural part of life. Whether we prepare for it in a healthy or unhealthy way (or if we don’t prepare at all), it comes to us all. We get to choose how we will face this reality. That said, I understand that the chaoses in my life pale in comparison to what others have experienced. I doubt I’d be able to be so high brow about chaos if I experienced some of these things. It’s humbling to know that and it helps me to be more compassionate and empathetic. I try to allow myself to “go there” to some of my greatest fears. What if the thing I feared the most happened? Could I still say something like “Chaos will never lead you astray”? I’d like to think the answer is yes….it makes me feel better and more prepared 🙂
How true! I too know that the chaoses in my life also pale in comparison to what others have lived. Yet, I’ve had some tell me they don’t know how I got through this or that particular chaos… Possibly the most important thing to remember is that how we choose to deal with a chaos determines our ability to overcome the chaos, and learn and grow from it. Which, come to think of it, is to paraphrase what you said about befriending the chaos! It then does become a benevolent force that won’t lead you astray…
Thank you, Cylon.
I understand we watch crime programmes so that we can watch, and get satisfaction from, a terrible chaotic situation being brought back into order again i.e. a solved case.
A good observation that we are unwise to be alarmed at a naturally occurring event. And very good advice to be prepared particularly with reframing our attitudes. Hence, I am getting excited at the prospect of going into my kitchen and tidying up the somewhat chaotic scene in there!
Thank you. Have a good week.
Haha….wonderful. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about chaotic kitchens! I’m glad this post prepared you to meet that challenge! Always love how you encapsulate the essence of my posts in your comments. Have a wonderful weekend and week 🙂