Loneliness is Killing You (And What You Can Do About It)

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light” ~ Helen Keller.

So you’re taking a stroll down the Serengeti with your friends when all of a sudden, one of them stops dead in his tracks, saying “Did you hear that?”

Someone in the back pipes up, “Hear what?”

But before anybody else could respond, a lion rushes out from behind a tree, headed full speed toward the group, which starts running full speed in the other direction. You try to keep up with the pack but find yourself falling behind. As you become further separated from the group, the lion locks on to you as its target.

Just as he moves in for the kill…

You wake up in a cold sweat.

Whew, just a dream, right?

Well, not so fast.

You see, too many of us are roaming around the Serengeti of life isolated and unprotected from the dangers that lurk around in our minds and hearts. I’m not talking about lions and tigers, but chronic loneliness. You may not fear this foe as much as you may fear a hungry lion, but it can be just as deadly.

Loneliness is killing us

Loneliness is arguably one of the biggest epidemics of our time. No longer held together by the bonds of religion (which comes from the Latin religare meaning literally “to bind”), social norms, or family values, many of us wander off into the wilderness on our own.

Nothing is wrong with being in the wilderness for a time per se. Most of us go through such periods by necessity in order to experience personal growth and greater maturity. But as humans, we’re not meant to go it alone our whole lives.

Loneliness is on the rise. As our lives become more hectic, each person vigorously pursuing their dreams and visions, we make less time for cultivating friendships. This is especially true once a person settles down to start a family or advance their career. The friendships of our childhoods and early adulthood quickly fade into the background of our busy lives.

Before you know it, you’re depressed, you find it difficult to cope with everyday life, you’re falling behind at work, and your most important relationships are falling apart.

As parents of seven young children, my wife and I know what it’s like to feel isolated. We, like countless others, struggled to maintain our friendships or form new ones. For a while, we didn’t think much of it. We had each other and our children. And that felt like enough.

But as our duties at home increased, we grew more stressed and felt increasingly isolated. For me, it took losing my job and going through a marriage crisis (my wife’s blog) before I began to appreciate how dangerously lonely being isolated can make you feel.

Once I began contemplating leaving my marriage and suicide simultaneously, I knew I was all alone in the Serengeti and that the lion was closing in.

The biggest barrier to experiencing the benefits of friendship

In addition to seeking counseling, I started reaching out to old friends and colleagues during my crises. In doing so, I was finding my pack again. As I realized how even brief conversations with people I had not spoken to in years helped me navigate my difficult period, I wondered why I did not keep up my friendships. I wondered why I felt some guilt for reaching out only when I was in trouble.

In the New York Times article, Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?, the author points out that sociologists have long believed there were three things are required in order to establish close friendships:

“…proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other…”

The problem is that so few of us can experience this ideal environment once we’re all grown up. I realized that I’d set the bar so high for meaningful interactions, that I didn’t bother to be more intentional about reaching out to friends or make the effort to have meaningful interactions with strangers.

The biggest barrier to my benefiting from friendship was my perfectionist idea about what friendships should look like. If we couldn’t talk three days a week or go out for coffee once a month, I wrote certain people off my list of meaningful friends.

However, the real value of friendships is the ability to find meaningful connection with another human being. Didn’t much matter if this was accomplished with someone I see everyday or someone I see once a year. Some of my most meaningful interactions have lasted years.

In spending time with other people and couples, my wife and I realized that though we loved each other, and worked as a good team for many years, we weren’t each other’s best friend. Somehow, over the years we stopped connecting on a deep level even though we were around each other all the time. We started to break our isolation, not only from others, but from each other.

Free yourself from isolation

The key to benefiting from your relationships is to understand that friendships can be more than one thing. So with this perspective in mind, here are some action steps you can take to day to break the isolation:

1. Reach out to an old friend

Don’t even waste a thought trying to remember how long it’s been since you spoke with an old friend. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Write a letter. The very act of reaching out will instantly lift your mood.

2. Talk to someone who looks like they could use a friend

Next time you’re taking public transportation, try to identify someone who could benefit from a friendly conversation. Try striking up a conversation with them. Yea, it’s risky and you might get rejected, but who knows? Chances are you would have made that person’s day, maybe even saved their life because you cared enough to notice them.

3. Become a better listener

Dale Carnegie in his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, wrote,

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Nothing says “I’m interested in you” more than giving a person your undivided attention.

4. Leverage work relationships

Remember, the people you work with don’t have to become your best friends or know everything about you. Smile at your colleagues, even the ones you’re competing with for the upcoming promotion. That alone can create bonds of connection.

5. Get off Facebook

I don’t care how many “friends” you have on Facebook, having a meaningful interaction with a stranger you’ll never see again is more valuable than engaging in heated arguments about hot button issues on Facebook.

6. Work on your relationship with yourself

What’s your self-talk like? Do you constantly put yourself down or do you treat yourself as you would someone you enjoyed being around?

7. Work on your relationship with God

What’s your relationship like with God? Do you pray when you’re feeling all alone? Do you believe that God is with you even when you feel abandoned?

You don’t have to be lonely

Even with 7 billion people on the planet, our lives can feel quite lonely. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You were made for connection. All you need to do is reach out. You may be in a period of life where it’s hard to make close friendships, but it doesn’t mean you need to starve yourself of human connection.

So don’t be afraid to reach out. Cause chances are there’s at least one person out there who’s dying to connect with you.