“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another” ~ Thomas Merton.
Have you ever solicited feedback from others about how you’re doing in life?
For instance, asking your children “How am I doing as a parent on a scale of 1 to 10?”
Or, “How am I doing as a co-worker?” Or a boss, a son or daughter?
In our individualistic culture, we tend to think that we can get by just fine without this kind of feedback. Many of us desperately want to live by the phrase “I don’t care what they think of me.”
But let’s be honest, you do care. That’s why you’ve probably never asked all the closest people in your life to rate how you’re doing in your various roles. It’s the reason why I haven’t.
The age of self-empowerment
For much of the modern era, we’ve been living in the age of self-empowerment. Collectively, we’ve gradually woken up to the truth that we create our own realities. And if we can claim this truth, we can regain much control over our emotions and feelings. We can reframe experiences and create our own meaning.
We can take charge of our lives.
I am a firm believer in the idea of self-empowerment. But I also believe that pushing this idea too far can lead us toward isolation. If I can create my own meaning, I need not bother with how others are experiencing me.
I need not bother with the opinions of others, especially if they get too close to exposing my blind spots or shortcomings. We hide most of our fears under the guise of exercising our right to privacy.
If we don’t allow those we love and respect most to speak into our lives, we miss out on the full richness of who we are.
No one has meaning alone
The writer David Dark cuts through the illusions we have about our self-contained empowerment with this sentence:
“I’m not, as it turns out, the best or final authority concerning my own meaning.”
Think about this for a second. This goes against much of what we stand for in the age of self-empowerment. It might even seem unreasonable or even downright illogical.
How can it be that I am not the “best” or “final” authority about how I experience my own life?
He continues:
“Everyone needs at least one or two people asking them – sometimes begging them – to tell them specifically how they’re doing in this unfolding tale of trying to be true….
We get to put the request to folks every so often: ‘Tell me how I’m doing. Tell me the truth about where you think I am.’”
Hearing the truth
Most of us don’t have the stamina to hear the truth. We’re terrified of it.
But there is nothing more self-empowering than being humble enough to hear the truth about how we’re doing.
Because in the end, to use the words of David Dark, no one has meaning alone.
I truly enjoy most of your posts. The ones that personally resonate with me are my favorites. The ones that do not, for some reason, resonate with me, are good, as well. Sometimes, your posts are too short – there are times where I wish you would expand on a point, “turn a sentence into a paragraph” kind-of thing. But, I usually discover that each post is well thought out, well written, and just the right length. You leave enough room for your readers to fill in any blanks on their own. Thank you for doing what you do.
Thank you very much. I appreciate your kind words and honest feedback. I do feel like I’ve gotten away from making the post more practical, i.e. expanding on points, offering more tips, etc. But like you said, I also like not always doing this so that readers can bring their own perspectives to the posts. I also have been thinking of experimenting with some longer posts but I’ll need to carve out more time for that..still something I want to try. Thanks again and thanks for all your support 🙂
I like that you aren’t afraid to push us (your readers) to an uncomfortable place – but also that you are always willing to go there yourself, first, to lead the way.
Thank you for that…definitely prefer to lead by example 🙂
Great point made here Cylon, I think you’re doing great, you are leading people and building relationship in an efficient ways, most of all, I like you just the way you’re. Have a brilliant day.
Thank you Cephas. Your support means a lot!
Hi Cylon – I don’t necessarily agree with the point but the reality is, few of us live truly independently in our mind. And the world is probably a better place for it. And you’re doing just great, but I can’t judge how you’re doing. In truth, only you can make that decision.
Hmm. Interesting perspective, but I see it a little differently – regarding your comment that only the person can judge how they are doing. The reality is that MOST people CAN’T see how they are doing. There are many who think they walk on water, and there are many who think they are lower than dirt. The reality for most of us, is that we are not all that perceptive about how we are doing. Someone might think they’re the greatest friend, but the friends may be holding back in telling that individual that they are not all that great (for whatever reason – big or small).
Thank you for your support, Laura as always….even when you disagree with me! Reading the perspectives you and Eva offer here, I think you’re both right – On one level, only I can judge how I’m doing but on another, I am filled with blindspots so my judgement is often flawed. The trick is learning to hold these opposing perspectives in tension rather than holding fast to one side….like the mystics do.
Hi Cylon,
I always enjoy your posts and look forward to them – thank you.
You articulate my muddled thoughts and suggest ways through my entanglements.
And you allow me to respond and probably loop my responses back to you. That is invaluable because it is so easy to read and understand what one wants to rather than what the author is saying. In other words, it is the feedback that is also appreciated to ensure that we understand each other.
Hooray for Cylon!
And thank you.
Thank you Zara. I couldn’t say it better! I’ve been so happy with the feedback I’ve received here and in my inbox. And as you suggest, this is not a one-way street. We are only able to articulate our thoughts by being in relationship with one another…this is the gift we are to each other. Thank you for being one of my gifts!
Ouch! I think I’m bleeding a little bit! You sure did prick my skin with this one! I’m one of those people who believes I don’t care what others think. For the most part – with people who don’t have a hold on my heart – this may be true. But, you are right… I think I’m a coward when it comes to seeking feedback from others whom I hold dear. As usual, you’ve given me some food for thought. You know what I see as a problem with asking for feedback? Generally, it’s hard to accept the good AND the bad! How often do you feel embarrassed, or even undeserving when someone praises you? So… hit me with it. I challenge you to point out what you see as a negative. I will try not to cry! (smile) But, seriously, I would appreciate your feedback (privately). You’re someone I trust will be gentle… and from there, maybe it’ll help me be more open to receiving feedback from others.
Lol, Eva…sorry to hurt you with this one! Seriously, you bring up an important point. I think most of us are pretty good at discerning the difference between truth and harm. Some like to give feedback as a way to hurt others. I would never advocate anyone put up with that..of course, I know you are not suggesting that but I think it needs to be said. We all know what it’s like to hear a hard truth we don’t want to hear but need to hear. Even when said in love, it hurts. But it’s the kind of hurt that ultimately heals if we let it. All that to say, if I ever need to give you any “negative” feedback, will certainly be gentle. But you’ve stumped me….right now I can think of a single thing 🙂
Can’t think of a single negative thing? That’s cuz you only had to put up with me in small doses! 🙂