Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand ~ Matt. 12:25
Ever had a case of internal conflict so bad that it made you physically ill?
When things reach this level, it often means that your personal integrity at stake.
In such cases, you’re almost always faced with a choice between doing what’s expedient or doing what’s right.
And when faced with such a choice, you’re sometimes prone to preferring the former—even in cases when you manage to choose the latter.
Maybe you’re terrified by all this. Maybe you’re wondering “Why do I not prefer what’s right instead?” Maybe you beat yourself up over your inner conflicts.
But these kinds of internal conflicts don’t make you a bad person, they make you a whole person.
Integrity and Wholeness
Motivated by a desire to relieve the tension caused by internal conflict, we compartmentalize our inner and outer lives. We stop paying attention to our inner compass and find a million ways to rationalize our behavior.
Once this pattern becomes ingrained, no amount of ethical knowledge will help us make the right choices since our ethics become disconnected from our inner lives.
In A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, Parker J. Palmer writes:
“The divided life, at bottom, is not a failure of ethics. It is a failure of human wholeness.”
What does Palmer mean by wholeness? He writes:
“Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.”
When we deny our potential to stray, we’re much more prone to going astray. When we embrace our brokenness, we’re more likely to live with integrity which Palmer describes as “the state or quality of being entire, complete, and unbroken.”
The paradox here is that we become whole by embracing all of who we are, even the parts that tend toward brokenness.
Failure of institutional integrity
The words of Jesus in the opening quote attest that the pain of internal conflict is nothing compared to what can happen when we live divided lives.
But there is still a price to pay, sometimes a steep one, for living with integrity in a world that does not value it.
I was reminded of this fact after listening to a Planet Money podcast episode about Wells Fargo Bank, a major player in the 2008 financial crisis. The show featured employees who became aware of how the bank was manipulating the system for their own gain.
Instead of remaining silent, they decided to speak up. They were all fired. You’d think this was the worst thing that could happen to them but there’s more. Many of these unjustly fired employees have trouble finding work to this day. Here’s why:
“What was happening had everything to do with a little-known form called a ‘U5.’ This is a form in the banking industry that’s essentially a report card from all of your former employers, like a permanent record.
The ex-employees we talked to say they pushed back against the crazy sales culture at Wells Fargo. In retribution, they say, the bank marked them with a scarlet letter that is badly damaging their careers.” (Planet Money)
Turning the tables
As I listened to the episode, I became outraged. This outrage quickly turned to despair. Then I was haunted with the questions, What would you have done? Would you have had the courage to speak up?
I’d like to think the answer is yes. But instead of comforting myself with self-righteous thoughts, the phrase “There but for the grace of God go I” arose from within me.
In the end, what does integrity mean to me? It means acknowledging the darkness deep within and surrendering to the light.
Enduring inner conflict
If you experience inner conflict from time to time, it means that you have not completely surrendered to divided living.
So stay with the tension.
Ask yourself the difficult questions.
And surrender your brokenness to the light.
This is how we will save our institutions. This is how we will learn to walk with integrity, even when the price of doing so is high. This is how we can break the darkness that comes with living divided lives.
I am reminded of a phrase that I use when I think about love –
“don’t try to fix the other person – just be strong enough to hold them broken”
I love that phrase….thank you for sharing it 🙂
Excellent effort at digging into the human psyche Cylon – I think people are infinitely complex and explanations are always going to fall short of what really goes on between our ears:)
Amen to that Laura!
1. get TO this level
Interesting article and very metaphilosophical. My simple mind couldn’t understand it but above you will find a correction to your article. You’re welcome.
Thank you again Siddharth for your keen eye.
Thank you Cylon,
We are all flawed. Unfortunately, we happen to live at a time when the most flawed are the most rewarded and those who do the decent thing are punished.
BTW, I try to help/advise/accompany whistleblowers and am witness to the destruction of their careers, and often relationships, long term.
But, this is our society and therefore our shared responsibility. Unless we try to follow their example and do the decent thing we taint our spirituality, as well as endanger our society and its institutions.
At least we could try and do our best even if we occasionally fall a bit short.
Wow, I would like to hear more about the work you do to help such people. It truly takes great courage to be a whistleblower today where someone’s reputation can be destroyed in short order. You’re absolutely right, we all share responsibility for our society. Many of us are silent bystanders. Hopefully we can change that by speaking up and helping others gain the courage to do so.
What a beautiful and thoughtful post, Cylon. This is an especially poignant conclusion:
“This is how we will save our institutions. This is how we will learn to walk with integrity, even when the price of doing so is high. This is how we can break the darkness that comes with living divided lives.”
Here is another possibility: A house divided is not necessarily a house broken unless there is no hope of change. As you point out, there is no hope of change when we turn away from the light and refuse to see that ray of integrity shining there inside the brokenness.
The employees who were fired chose one option. What happened to them is certainly deplorable. But there is another — staying in the institution and working slowly, steadily, thoughtfully to help bring about the change that one’s integrity dictates. This one takes more time, more patience, more courage. It may take years, and the result may never be exactly as one wished.
What your post reminds us of is that if we follow that ray of light with courage, we may heal that divide even if it takes years and sustained effort.
Absolutely Kim. Thank you for making this point. I think in many cases, this is a viable option. I also think that, at the time, exercising this option at Wells Fargo without undermining their own integrity in the process was nearly impossible. One can hope this was an extreme case. May we have to courage to follow the rays of light before us. Thank you for sharing this beautiful image Kim.