“True beauty is a warm heart, a kind soul, and an attentive ear.” ~ Ken Poirot
Editorial note: This post was inspired by the writings of Parker J. Palmer
When was the last time you had someone really listen to you?
When was the last time you were deeply present to someone in need?
As a person who listens for a living, I can easily fool myself into thinking that I know how to listen well.
But if I am honest with myself, I can acknowledge how difficult it is to be truly present to another’s soul.
I can acknowledge my strong impulse to fix or bring the other over to my point of view. I can acknowledge my yearning for the satisfaction of having set another person on the right path.
But deep down, I know that if I persist in this practice, I’m more likely to leave a path of destruction in my wake rather than a healed soul.
I suspect I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
In school we’re taught to read and write, but we’re not taught to listen. As adults, we may encounter the principle of “active listening” as the way to becoming better listeners.
In my encounter with active listening, I learned how to pay attention to the speaker with a combination of good body language and verbal cues. I learned to reflect the speaker’s thoughts back at them by paraphrasing their words, thereby demonstrating that I’ve understood what they were saying. I learned to minimize interruptions, ask questions, and provide feedback if welcomed.
But even as I practice these techniques, I often sense that my own agenda is still lurking in the background. Active listening, as I’ve experienced it, may allow me to hide my agenda from another person, but it’s still active.
And ultimately, the soul is very sensitive to hidden agendas and will flee from spaces where it’s present.
Quiet attentiveness
In my experience, people rarely come to me for advice—even those who explicitly ask for my advice.
What they’re looking for—and what we all need—is a safe space that allows us to listen to, and learn from our own inner teacher.
A natural question that may arise then is “Why am I needed?” or “What is my purpose in all this?”
We need others to provide safe spaces for us. The spiritual writer Parker J. Palmer describes this as the paradox of “being alone together.”
Creating safe spaces for each other require, not good active listening skills, but quiet attentiveness.
How do we develop an attitude of quiet attentiveness?
1. Check your ego
In an attempt to feel useful, we’re often quick to offer advice or judgement. Resist this urge and trust that, by providing a loving and compassionate presence, you’ll inspire the person’s own inner teacher to speak to them.
2. Stay with discomfort
There’s another reason why we’re quick to offer advice and easy answers to difficult questions—to assuage our own fears or distance ourselves from the pain of another. This is the main reason why safe spaces are so rare, we’re downright scared. But if we learn to stay with discomfort, miracles can happen.
3. Love silence
We fear, even hate silence because it can cause us to feel simultaneously useless and uncomfortable. But in order to hear the inner teacher, silence is a necessary precondition.
4. Ask honest and open questions
Our questions are often driven by our own agenda and curiosity. Asking honest, open questions is all about helping the other person find clarity rather than satisfying our own curiosity. Ask sincerely and sparingly.
Trust the inner teacher
There’s an inner teacher in all of us.
When we learn to honor the inner teacher in others, we honor the inner teacher in ourselves.
In a world that is noisy and hostile to the soul, it’s more important now than ever that we learn to create safe spaces for each other.
Because when we allow the inner teacher to appear, we allow the possibility for transformation to occur.
Awesome! Many times I’m guilty of already having the answer before the person is finished talking. I jump in with my answer prematurely and it cuts off the other persons thought process. Working on it.
Greg, I definitely know the feeling. I too am working on it and hopefully getting better over time. Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂
Thank you very much for this timely post, Cylon.
Am relieved (but also ashamed) that, like Greg, I jump in uninvited when some fragile soul is trying to express themselves.
A metaphorical custard pie to my face seems to be the answer. Also, I know I mustn’t look at someone who is hesitating or trying to find words in an anxious state. I know I have been deeply conditioned to quickly respond to alleviate their nerves which (in my family history) used to evolve into louder and more expressive emotions.
But, if I shut up and stare at the carpet, I’m far more likely to be useful.
Thank you, Cylon.
I love that last sentence! All I can say is – “Me too!”
Another great post! I like this ” being alone space.” I prefer to be left in silence, just be there and don’t speak. I also avail myself in silence and let someone know I’m there if they need to talk.
Thanks Ann 🙂 Yes, silence is one of the most undervalued commodities we have today.
I agree, I think that if you will really listen it will open a whole new world. I fortunately am a good listener and I say fortunately with a grin. I have people who I haven’t talked to in months call me and say I know I haven’t been in touch but I need to talk to you no one really listens like you do. And so I listen. I don’t have answers and they know that, I just try to listen with no criticisms and no interruptions and usually by the time they are done they have figured it out.
What a gift you are to your friends. It’s no surprise that they seek you out like this. In a world where there are literally thousands of demands for our attention every day, good listeners are truly rare. Thank for all you do to create safe spaces.