It’s only when we direct [anger] at someone that it becomes destructive – because in truth, the anger we experience is our own ~ Panache Desai
Recently while driving on the highway, I witnessed a road rage incident. I have seen other incidents before but this one was different because I was able to follow what happened over the course of about a mile.
It had a comical aspect because it was between a man driving a large truck and another man driving a tiny hatchback. The man in the hatchback had cut in front of the truck driver in order to get into the exit lane. The displeased truck driver honked and gestured at the man in the car. The man in the car pulled alongside the truck on the two lane exit and gestured back. After going back and forth for a bit the car driver eventually pulled ahead but then decided to pull over. He was waiting for the truck to pass in order to have the last word. Of course, the truck driver saw him waiting and was prepared with some parting words of his own.
It’s amazing how being behind the wheel can make us feel that it is perfectly ok to breathe raging anger at a total stranger. Maybe it’s the anonymity one feels, much like anonymous internet trolls who leave nasty comments on websites and blogs. Maybe it’s feelings of invincibility.
You might think that people behave this way when the careless driving of others puts them at risk. This may well be true but I know that when I think back to the times when I got angry for being cut off, the last thing I was thinking about was my personal safety. I just felt disrespected, similar to the way I feel when I don’t get the attention I “deserve.”
Here are three lessons about anger that we can glean from the experience of road rage:
1. Reflexive (or Reactive) anger is dangerous.
This type of anger is almost always directed at another person and often causes more harm than good. If your interaction with another person inspires fear or anger then its probably reactive. The two arguing drivers may have felt some temporary release from expressing their anger at one another but it likely did not produce any long-term benefit. Furthermore, the two drivers could have endangered others through their reckless driving. When I bark at my kids and they look at me with confusion, fear, or anger, I know I am being reflexive. When I am disrespectful to my spouse or my close friends, I know I have lost my way. Reflexive anger stunts spiritual growth in the long run.
2. Reflexive anger rarely puts us ahead.
It’s like the aggressive driver who blows past you only to be caught up to at the next traffic stop. The driver may save a few seconds here or there, but is it really worth the risk? My kids have never thanked me for the times I directed my self-righteous anger at them. I suspect they never will.
3. Anger needs to be safely discharged.
We must learn to direct our anger inward instead of outward at others. In other words, our reflexive anger needs to quickly become reflective. Why do I react the way I do? What are the root causes? How can I better handle my feelings of helplessness, guilt, or fear? How can I creatively channel my anger for good?
Next time someone disrespects you on the road, don’t react immediately. Pull pull over if necessary and follow the advice of Panache Desai. In his book “Discover Your Soul Signature.” Panache says this:
Think of what happens when you’re in a car and you shift that car into neutral. When you’re in neutral, you can rev the engine to our heart’s content and you don’t run anyone over, you don’t crash into anything.