The Secret to Not Taking Things Personally

“Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

You’re feeling hurt.

Again.

This time it was the careless remark a coworker made about how you look today. Maybe they meant it as a compliment but you received it as an insult. At first you laughed it off and pretended it didn’t hurt.

But you can’t get what they said out of your head and now it’s beginning to influence your decisions about what to wear. You feel powerless, even foolish for letting a seemingly innocuous remark control your life.

Here’s the truth…

So many of us are living a secret life of agony. Think about how we let the many things other people say control all aspects of our lives. They control not only how we dress, but how we think about ourselves in relation to the world. We do all we can to conform and avoid the pain. We drive the right kind of car, have the right kinds of jobs, and date the right kinds of people.

The problem? Many of the things we do to conform are not aligned with who we really are. This misalignment is infinitely more painful than any perceived insult, but we have a hard time recognizing the true source of the pain.

All this pain can be minimized, or even eliminated if we learn to not take what others say so personally.

The identity trap

So, why are we so prone to taking things personally?

Having low self-esteem or self-confidence definitely play a role but I don’t think it’s the essence of the problem as many others may suggest.

The main reason why we struggle to not take things personally is because we see ourselves as fundamentally separate from other people.

You see, we learn from a young age that identity is everything and that one must define, develop, and protect their identity. We learn to hang out with other identities similar to our own for mutual support and protection. The assumed identity gives us a sense of meaning and purpose.

As soon as this identity is threatened, we go into hyper protective mode. What if these treasured identities were no more than figments of our imagination?

There’s nothing to defend

We tend to believe that our social norms were given to us from on high. Many of the identities we create for ourselves are often influenced by our environment.

For instance, as a black man living in the United States, the identity “black man” has taken on greater personal significance than when I lived in my native Trinidad and Tobago.

But in truth, I see being a black man as only part of who I am. However, in a more racially charged environment, it would be easy for me to make my identity all about being a black man. Suddenly, I will begin to see every remark and every encounter through this lens.

If someone says something to me that threatens this identity, I can become easily upset and lose my sense of peace. I will quickly erect walls around me to protect and separate myself from others, especially people who look different from me.

However, if I lose that precious identity, I begin to realize that there’s nothing to defend. Being black is a miniscule part of the infinite reality that I am, created in the image and likeness of God. Yes, I am aware that racism is real and even feel subjected to it from time to time, but I rarely take seemingly racist remarks personally. Being a black man in America may have real consequences, but it’s not the full reality of who I am.

What identity(s) do you need to let go in order to be more at peace with yourself?

Are you,

The brilliant college professor?
The soccer mom?
The athlete?
The smart aleck?
The jokester?
The moneymaker?
The homemaker?
The tortured soul?

What if instead of putting all your stock in one of these identities you see pieces of yourself in all of them? If you were to awake to the reality of who you really are, do you think you’d ever take anything personally? I doubt it.

And who are you? You are one created in the image and likeness of God. And like God, you are all and in all.

God doesn’t take things personally. Why should you?