The High Cost of Self-Betrayal

“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

See if this scene is familiar to you…

You’re with a group of friends trying to decide where to go for dinner. Everybody is afraid to be the first to suggest a place so one person pipes up and asks you, “What did you have in mind?”

You respond, “I’m fine, whatever the group decides.” Others in the group follow your lead. This happens for a few minutes until one brave soul decides to suggest a Chinese restaurant up the street. Everyone follows along.

There’s only one problem, you hate Chinese, and now feel you have no choice but to go along. You act normal, but are inwardly resentful of the experience and being “forced” to go to a place you don’t enjoy.

Or how about when you’re asked to give your opinion in a meeting. Do you speak up or stay quiet, even if you’re overflowing with ideas?

Or how about if you’re with a group of coworkers who are relentlessly gossiping about a fellow coworker? Do you attempt to register your displeasure in some way or do you simply go along?

Each of these examples may seem relatively insignificant, but taken over time you’re actually diminishing your own personal power by not speaking up. Why? Because each of these instances represents an act of self-betrayal.

The high cost of self-betrayal

Betraying yourself may seem like a small price to pay for the benefit of fitting in with the crowd, but here are some of the hidden high costs of living like this:

You lose touch with your own intuition, your inner voice, your moral compass.
You become chronically indecisive.
You lose your sense of self-respect and self-confidence.
You develop a tendency towards dishonesty and inauthenticity.
You sabotage your own success because of a deep-seated belief that you’re undeserving.
You become resentful.
You allow others to determine the trajectory of your life.

You might say, Come on, isn’t that just a little overblown? But if you regularly cede ground to others because you think their opinions matter more than yours, you’ll slowly lose your ability to manage your own life and steer your own ship.

Over time, the small decisions we make that betray the self is like a steady drip of water slowly dissolving stone. The action of the water on the stone is imperceptible in the moment, but over time it’s highly destructive.

So you may be asking yourself, Does me not betraying myself mean that I never compromise? Does it mean that I should always speak up and try to get my way in every situation?

Some important distinctions

1. Self-betrayal is not the same as compromising.

When a person compromises, they don’t pretend to not have a clear preference. Rather, in light of their preference, they signal to another that they are willing to give ground for the sake of the relationship or some other higher purpose.

A person who is betraying themselves is highly self-absorbed because they are primarily concerned about how they appear to others. They are willing to deny their own preferences to avoid discomfort and to avoid taking responsibility for their own choices. They’d much rather blame the person who made the choice for them.

2. Living more authentically does not mean being argumentative or confrontational.

Choosing to not betray yourself does not mean that you get to lecture everyone you disagree with. You don’t always have to speak and you rarely need to be confrontational. You just need to let your actions align with who you are, not with who you think others want you to be.

For instance, in the gossiping example above, instead of lecturing the group about their actions, a person caught in this situation may tactfully attempt to change the the subject or simply remove themselves from the conversation. This way, you can quietly and calmly register your preference or complaint without trying to impose your will or get your way.

Furthermore, people in the group will notice that you’ve taken a stand and may even be inspired to rethink their own choices.

Reclaiming your birthright form

In his book A Hidden Wholeness, Parker Palmer asserts that we all “arrive on earth with souls in perfect form.” We arrive on earth as the purest version of ourselves, free from influences from without and within that attempt to draw us away from our authentic selves. Palmer calls this “our birthright form.”

Most of us don’t consciously decide to betray ourselves, we simply desire to protect ourselves against such forces. But in trying to protect ourselves, we give up our birthright in order to blend in.

Palmer powerfully describes our challenges and opportunities:

“The powers and principalities would hold less sway over our lives if we refused to collaborate with them. But refusal is risky, so we deny our own truth, take up lives of ‘self-impersonation,’ and betray our identities. And yet the soul persistently calls us back to our birthright form, back to lives that are grounded, connected, and whole.”

The pain you feel when you betray yourself is your soul yearning to return to its birthright form. Will you answer the call of your soul? Will you choose to reclaim your birthright form?