“See, the ‘small stuff’ is what makes up the larger picture of our lives. Many people are like you, young man. But their perspective is distorted. They ignore ‘small stuff,’ claiming to have an eye on the bigger picture, never understanding that the bigger picture is composed of nothing more than-are you ready?- ‘small stuff’.” ~ Andy Andrews, The Noticer.
One evening, I was at Wal-Mart purchasing a digital antenna. I was excited because we had finally canceled our cable TV after talking about doing it for a long time. We had already picked up a new Roku player and I was getting the antenna to access free local channels.
As I was browsing the aisle, a stranger pulled up beside me and started looking at some items close by. After about a minute, he turned to me and said:
“Man, these are expensive.”
I reluctantly answered, “Yea.”
Truth is, I was not in a very conversational mood. It was late and I was tired. He continued to engage me in small talk and even cracked a few jokes. I laughed, loosened up a bit and became more responsive. This is when he decided to cut to the chase and reveal the real reason why he was talking to me. He said:
“What would you say if I told you that I can offer you an opportunity that can changer your life?”
I said, “Thanks for the offer but I am not looking for any new opportunities at this time.” I picked up the antenna I had chosen and made my way to the register.
Experiences like this can leave us feeling very uncomfortable and wary of talking to strangers. I am sometimes cautious about initiating small talk out of concern that I might make others feel uncomfortable. However I have found that these seemingly inert exchanges can open the door to deeper encounters.
In my work as a college chaplain, people rarely start our conversations by sharing the real reason why they came. We often spend a few minutes in light conversation as they “feel me out” to see if I am someone worthy of hearing their secret struggle or problem. My willingness to engage in small talk allows them to feel comfortable with me as they work up the courage to take the conversation to the next level. They are looking for assurances that I will not judge or look down upon them in their vulnerability.
Many of us are weary of small talk because we are afraid to go deeper. We may say: “I don’t have the time right now,” or “I don’t care,” or “I don’t even know this person!” But even those brief unexpected exchanges can have unexpected positive impacts.
So, how do you talk to strangers? Well, it depends. If a person comes to you with a “Hello,” say “Hi.” If another asks “How are you doing?” say with a smile “Fine thanks.” Groundbreaking right? Maybe not but consider these questions:
How might your positive response bring a person much needed validation?
How might it change the course of their day, even their life?
How might that exchange cause a positive chain reaction with the next person he or she encounters?
Think too of how participating wholeheartedly in brief exchanges can help you get outside of your own head, or brighten your mood, or help you feel connected with the larger world, or even bring you the answer to a thorny problem. Think of how developing this skill can help you connect with the potential stranger living under your own roof: a distant teenager, a stressed out spouse, a hard-to-get-along-with in-law.
The man I met at Wal-Mart may think that I declined his amazing offer but I didn’t. I drove home realizing that I take my life for granted way too often. I changed my life by committing to be grateful everyday for the amazing life I already have and the people in my life who make it so.
How do you talk to talk to strangers? Start with the “small stuff” and take it from there.