“Which of us can resist the temptation of being thought indispensable?” ~ Margaret Atwood
It’s nice to be wanted.
It’s even nicer to be needed.
But there’s something else you crave even more.
You may not admit it. You may not even be consciously aware of it but you crave being indispensable.
You want to be indispensable at home, at work, at play. You want your contributions to matter. If you fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, you’d want others to feel the pain of your loss.
Productivity would take a big hit. Stock prices would fall. The soup kitchen would close. Bills would not be paid.
In other words, you’d be missed. You would prove your intrinsic worth and how much more valuable it is when compared to others. And more important of all, you will prove that you are irreplaceable.
Because the opposite is almost unbearable to contemplate…
Are you dispensable?
What would happen if you disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow? Would anyone notice? Would anyone cry? Would you be missed? Would life go on without you?
Would you be forgotten?
The terrifying and honest truth is…well…yes. Maybe not right away. But over time life will gradually return to a new normal. Spouses may find new love. Companies would find new workers. Service agencies will find new volunteers.
Life will go on. Without you.
How does that feel? Would you feel like your life mattered or would you feel worthless?
What is the cost of your quest for indispensability?
What happens when you train people to depend on you?
Truth is, you don’t want that burden.
You don’t want people to depend on you so much that they’ll fail if you’re not there. But your ego cannot resist.
Because you want job security. You want to know without a doubt that you were loved. You want to matter.
And the only way to matter is to become truly indispensable, right?
Wrong.
How much have your relationships at home suffered in your quest to be indispensable at work? How much pain has the pleasure of being missed caused you? More stress. Diminished health. Decreased happiness.
Maybe you feel trapped in a prison of your own making. You desperately want to leave but what would happen to the value of your stock if you do?
You yearn to be valued for who you are but instead find that you are valued more for what you can do. So you keep doing. You keep hosting large family dinners. You keep working nights and weekends. And you keep loaning your grown children money.
Oh, and there’s one more thing…
Once you’re out of the picture, even those who learned to depend on you will eventually find others to depend on. Or they may finally learn to depend on themselves.
Because no matter how good you are, how talented you are, how generous you are, life goes on.
You matter because you are here
The faster you acknowledge this truth, the happier you will be. You don’t matter because you’re indispensable. You matter because you are here.
Stop trying so hard to earn what you already have.
Thank you Cylon.
I knew from an early age that the best that I was to my family was someone who might be useful.
I used to harbour the delusion that I might have something useful to contribute to the world.
Now, I plod on doing the best that I can but without any great expectations – everyone has their own path to follow – the best that I can do is to get out of their way and sometimes indicate a useful signpost.
Thanks, Cylon.
You’re welcome Zara…here’s to all of us doing the best we can!
zaraynapradyer yes