These 5 Unpopular Ideas Will Save You From a Life of Resentment

“The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.”

Pema Chödrön

Are you frustrated with the state of your life? 

Are you angry, overwhelmed, confused that it’s is not unfolding the way you want? 

Are you resentful of those who seem to have it altogether and have lives of happiness and ease?

We’ve all been there. We seek to change our lives, to be happier, healthier, wealthier, only to be disappointed and dissatisfied, even when we’ve accomplished things we thought would make us happy.

The problem is that we often subscribe to popular ideas and assumptions, believing all the while that happiness will be assured when we follow these ideas. More often than not they lead to dead ends.

The following unpopular ideas seek to counter conventional wisdom so we can experience a life of greater peace and joy, free of the corrosive force of resentment:

1. Your life is not about you

Have you ever noticed that despite your best efforts at achieving self-actualization, you feel like you’re falling short in every way? 

This is what happens to me when I focus solely on my priorities, my projects, my goals, my dreams, and my problems. My life becomes essentially about me which then becomes the source of all my troubles.  

The lie our culture tells us is that if we focus on personal achievement, our lives will be better. Does this mean that it’s wrong to have personal desires and goals? Of course not, but if we’re only wrapped up in our own needs without considering the needs of others, we fall into the trap of thinking that my life is about me.

The key to getting out of this trap is this:

In what ways am I called by God to serve others? How are my personal needs and desires connected with the gifts I’ve been given to serve?

If you’re confused about the direction of your life, if you’re upset or resentful that you’re not achieving your goals, find someone who is similarly frustrated and help them. When you’re feeling internal turmoil, turn your gaze outward to the needs of those around you and watch in amazement as that inner turmoil subsides.

2. You don’t own anything

One of the blessings of a free society is the ability to own things. With talent, hard work, and persistence, there’s no limit to what or how much you can own. 

However, the problem with seeing ourselves as owners is that we’re susceptible to resentment when we’re forced to give up all we own. Do you believe you own your material possessions? Your children? Your health?  Your success? 

We’re told in the scriptures of a man named Job who lost all these without warning. Satan had convinced God to test his faithful servant, believing that if he were allowed to take away all Job’s possessions, he would most certainly curse God.

But upon losing everything, Job fell on knees and worshiped God, saying:

What allowed Job to respond in this way? He had the attitude of a steward rather than an owner. He recognized that everything he had was given to him by God to manage. None of it was his to cling on to.

We too are stewards of all we’ve been given. Remembering this will help us to reverently manage our possessions well for the good of others and allow us to release them without resentment.

3. Your time is short

How long do you expect to live? 

What if you learned today that you only had six months to live? You’d likely experience a mixture of surprise, shock, confusion, fear, and anger.

Why? Because most of us live with the hidden assumption that we have all the time in the world. Thanks to modern medicine and the sanitization of death, we can manage to live our entire lives hardly ever sparing a thought to the fact that we can die at any moment.

Sadly, when the inevitable happens, too many of us greet the end with surprise, regret, and resentment.

Blogger Tim Urban puts the reality of the shortness of our lives in exquisite perspective in a post called The Tail End by visually representing a generous 90 year lifespan (Life expectancy in U.S. was 77 in 2020 according to the CDC and is widely believed to have dropped since then due to the COVID-19 pandemic). 

Here’s my poor and inaccurate reconstruction of how he represented the days already spent with his parents by the time he graduated high school (red dots) versus the time he has left assuming his parents live to age 90 (black dots):

He concludes: 

Again, this assuming both his parents beat the odds.

Remembering how short your time is will help you use the time you have more intentionally. It will help you not take all the people you love and hold dear for granted. And it will hopefully inoculate you from resentment when it’s finally time to say goodbye.

4. Life is…neither fair nor unfair

How often have you heard someone rail against the unfairness of life? How often have you?

When I catch myself doing it, I sometimes ask myself — Is it the unfairness of life that’s causing my misery or is it my unyielding expectation that life should be fair?

Life is neither fair nor unfair. Life is. Good things happen to us. Bad things happen to us. Some people have it better than us. Others have it worse than us. Jesus himself said “for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matthew 5:45).

And just before that passage he says:

How is it possible to love our enemies? How is it possible to not be consumed by bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness when we feel wronged by others or by life? By remembering that life is. 

When we do, we gain the power to forgive, let go, and be at peace.

5. Freedom is not absolute

True freedom is a good to be celebrated and cherished. But absolute freedom is a myth. Sadly, in our popular culture, true freedom and absolute freedom are often conflated. 

It may sound desirable to be free to do whatever you want or not have any obligation to listen to anyone but if you lived in a state of absolute freedom, your life would be utterly meaningless. 

How meaningless? As meaningless as the music you’d hear if members of an orchestra decided to make up their own symphony on the spot. As meaningless (and dangerous) as every driver deciding on what side of the road they wanted to drive.

If you lived with no set of guiding principles, rules, or authoritative voices in your life, you’d be adrift in a sea of confusion, anxiety, and meaninglessness. 

These constraints are often referred to as values. Rather than being obstacles to our freedom, they allow us to flourish in lives of meaning and purpose. They are our guiding lights in times of temptations and trials. 

Sometimes, when I’m caught up in resentment, it’s because I’m trying to make up my own rules as I go. Consider the ways this may be true for you as well and exercise your freedom by choosing or recommitting to meaningful constraints.

Examine your assumptions

Make it a regular habit to examine your underlying assumptions about life. Identify and examine popular cultural ideas that don’t serve you.

Try living by some of these unpopular ideas with an open mind and heart. What do you have to lose? If they don’t work, you can easily revert back to your previous life. 

Or…you just might change your life for the better.