“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen” ~ Ernest Hemingway.
Are you as troubled as I am about the state of public discourse today?
It seems like our society is become more and more divisive with each passing day.
In the United States, where I live, it certainly feels that way. But I think people in every society can relate to the sense of unease with our growing divides along ideological fault lines of every type.
In such an environment, for some people the choices are few and clear: either you’re with us or you’re against us. And if you’re against us, you’re evil.
Others, during times like these, try to advance the idea of finding common ground, places where we can agree on mutually held beliefs as a starting point for conversation and dialogue.
I myself have been part of this second group. Through my writings, preaching, and one on one conversations, I have tried to hold up the virtue of common ground as a way for us to approach difficult issues together.
But as we are becoming increasingly polarized, finding common ground is more elusive than ever.
The problem with common ground
This realization has at times caused me to be anxious or depressed….until I came across a conversation between Krista Tippett and the abortion activist Frances Kissling. Donald Trump aside, abortion is probably the single most divisive issue in America.
Kissling, in her work has learned many valuable lessons about what it means to fully engage with those who fundamentally disagree with her.
The primary lesson?
[ctt title=”Our insistence on finding common ground between those who strongly disagree is illusory and actually leads to less understanding.” tweet=”Our insistence on finding common ground between those who strongly disagree is illusory and actually leads to less understanding.” coverup=”Ujnc8″]
The goal need not always be to find something on which we can agree. This is not the highest goal because focusing on what we can agree on means that we can pretend our disagreements don’t exist. The harder thing to do is to seek to understand the other with whom you disagree.
To drive her point home, Kissling quotes her ideological rival Sidney Callahan:
“The hallmark of a civil debate is when you can acknowledge that which is good in the position of the person you disagree with.”
This is admittedly harder to do the further away the position of that person is from your own position–and that’s exactly the point.
Moving the Unmovable
We humans hate change.
That includes changing our minds and hearts. When we find a position we resonate with, it can feel like there are simply no other options, no other way to see the world. However, I’d bet that most of us struggle with doubts about our closely held positions from time to time.
But if we’re unwilling to be moved, we will struggle to grow in our humanity. This is why we need the other.
In the interview, Kissling posed two powerful questions that if taken to heart, can soften our hearts and move us toward greater understanding with the other:
What is it in your own position that gives you trouble?
What is it in the position of the other that you are attracted to?
When we can honestly wrestle with these two questions, we will begin to move from our current notions of “common ground” to “uncommon ground.”
The former has its value, but the latter can lead to true inner transformation and improve our collective ability to tackle the most difficult issues of our time.
I like this as a way to think about engaging with people who aren’t ready to dialog – just listening can bring understanding.
Absolutely!
Thanks, Cylon,
For me, it’s helpful to begin a conversation with a neutral topic and establish that the person with me is not a monster but undoubtedly a person with different life experiences, environment and sensibilities. I can learn from them even if I don’t agree with them.
Difficult though, Cylon, because I get genuinely upset if someone has a view that justifies cruelty in one form or another.
Thank you, Cylon, much food for thought – if only thinking wasn’t so difficult!
Absolutely Zara. It’s very difficult and especially thorny when it comes to certain topics. On the one hand, it’s very hard, even intolerable, to entertain certain viewpoints – especially as it relates to cruelty to others. But far too often, I see people unwilling to engage on this level even when the stakes are much lower. As you say, we can help ourselves by starting with something neutral and working our way up. Your last thought made me think of Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am.” Could that be why the very act of being alive can be difficult sometimes?
This idea of uncommon ground does indeed seem counterintuitiive at first blush. But reading your post and reflecting from a compassionate heart (something I find myself forgetting to do more often than I like) it becomes so clear and simple. Not simple in application, obviously, but in the sense that it makes much more sense than trying to find common ground and each pretending that we have somehow “won” the discourse. That’s the thing though, we probably would be better served by trying to simply understand each other with compassion than we are trying to “win” some debate or battle. We would do better by focusing on discourse instead of debate, discussion instead of argument, and compassion and kindness instead of anger and blind adherence to ideology.
Thanks for another great, thought-provoking post Cylon.
I love this – discourse instead of debate, discussion instead of argument, compassion instead of anger. You’re so right, application is mighty hard…it’s so hard to maintain a compassionate heart when you’re in the thick of things. Believe me, the ways that I struggle with have caused me much suffering…I truly have a long way to go myself. But I won’t quit trying. Thanks for reading and for your wonderful comment!
I so crave real discourse! I can’t stand those TV shows where people “debate,” when actually it’s more like a fake wrestling match put on for show. The purpose doesn’t seem to be finding compromise and under understanding, but to whip up the crowd for ratings. Ugh.
Hi Cylon
Amazingly thoughtful post as always, And though I agree about ‘uncommon’ ground to some degree, I think it masks the true discussion two people holding opposite views should be asking. The true question is ‘How different are WE?’ The reality is, once you understand that as human beings you share way more characteristics in common, then idealogical standpoints are, you will find, built on sand. Compassion and kindness are the only true human standpoints worth defending.
But I’m not willing to fight you over it:)
Haha…oh, I don’t know Mark…I like a good fight! Seriously though, I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said. My point is that when we use “common ground” as a mask to avoid facing difficult issues, this principle loses some of its power. We need to, at some point, move beyond occupying common ground and move into the other’s space in order to bridge the gaps and grow.
If we will really listen we will learn. We must keep our minds open without judgement if we ever want to hear. And love, always love that someone has a need to express themselves and you are benefiting from their words.
I try to genuinely listen and understand another’s viewpoint even if I don’t agree. It’s taken me years to gain this ability, though. Because of this ability to see “gray areas” I often hear thoughts from both sides of an issue. I still struggle with “speaking truth to power,” such as when to do it and when not to. I admire those who take a stand on certain issues, who are brave enough to say “this is wrong.” I’ve made a vow to myself not to add to the hateful rhetoric online because I don’t want to be part of the problem, but it sure is tempting, sometimes!
Perfect timing to repost! It’s become extremely scary “out there.” Not long ago, I tried to have a “discourse” with someone related to unsubstantiated accusations. I couldn’t continue to hold my tongue as more and more became like a lynch mob in the old West. My only point, “innocent until proven guilty.” But, this individual would not hear of it. Unfortunately, the calmer I remained, the angrier she became, to the point of insults. I have a feeling that the reason the anger increased was because she was starting to see what it was in her own position that was giving her trouble! I pray the “temperature” in the USA will moderate, soon!!