“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.”
Mitch Albom
Why me?
This is a refrain we’ve heard over and over.
I’ve used it many times myself. I’ve used it when I felt like life is not going my way. I’ve used it when I felt angry or hurt.
Why me? Why is this happening to me? Why are ‘they’ doing this to me?
The question, “Why me?” and its variations may sound harmless. But when when we allow this question to define us in crucial moments, we give our power over the external forces.
“Something or someone is causing my life to be miserable,” we tell ourselves.
Paradoxically, the question, “Why me?” is also fixated on ME.
Because while we’re blaming others, we become hyper-focused on our own suffering and become blind to everyone else’s pain.
While this may bring temporary relief, it’s incredibly dis-empowering.
A different question
So why not ask another question?
Why not me?
This question has the exact opposite effect of “Why me?” Instead of causing you to feel stuck in self-pity, it provides the push you need to get out of a self-loathing rut.
It does this by first causing you to see that you are not alone in your suffering. You realize that you are not carrying your burdens alone. There are many who have carried similar burdens before you, many who are carrying them with you, and many who will carry them after you.
This strangely has the effect of allowing you to relax into suffering. You can allow yourself to feel your feelings without the baggage of self-loathing, blaming, or deflecting. Once you can allow your emotions safe passage through, you will begin to feel relief.
Once you begin to take the focus off yourself, you can look around and begin to notice how others deal with their suffering. You’ll begin to discern what works to help people bear their suffering and what doesn’t.
You’ll feel empowered to begin using their methods in your own life. You’ll be less afraid to suffer.
Because suffering is not something to be afraid of or to be glorified. It’s just a part of life. It’s the cost of being alive.
So, why not me?
Thanks for posting, Cylon.
I hope lots of folk find solace and even inspiraiton in your wise words – it will depend on the context I imagine. None of us are immune from suffering of one sort or another – as you so rightly observe. If viewed wisely, it could bring us closer to others.
Thank you Zara 🙂
OK – so this may be a long one. First… I want to share a conversation with God. Back in 2006, with my mother identified as 2 days from death, I sat in the ICU bathroom and cried to God… Please don’t let her die because of the actions of others. I clearly heard in response, “Why should she be any different than anyone else?” It was a very real awakening! I was willing to accept my mother’s death based on natural causes, but I was not willing to let her go because she contracted C-Dif from a different hospital that did not follow cleanliness and sanititation protocol. So… Why not me? Or rather, why not her? It put circumstances in a totally different light that allowed me to achieve acceptance. Long story, but she lived. And second, I had a recent experience working on website information to provide to the webmaster, I lost 4.5 FULL DAYS of material. I was devastated and thrown into inertia. Days went by and I couldn’t find the material and I wallowed… I blamed everything and everybody but myself. Now, I know that “Why me?” only loosely fits this experience. The point is that when I’ve “lost” other work, I’ve always taken the position of giving up and letting go and believing that God must have something better – and it’s usually true that when I recreate, it’s a better product. But, not this time! This time, I was, in a sense, asking, “Why me” everytime I blamed a number of people/things. By the second week of wallowing, I knew I needed to let go and move on. It was then that I accepted that ultimately it was my fault and that I should have been saving the document at least once a day rather than presuming there was no danger of losing the material. Once I did that, and let go of “Why Me,” I actually felt the “strength” to begin again. Before that, I felt like a limp wet noodle! I talked to God, told Him I accepted responsibility and began again… less than an hour into it, I had a thought and followed it… I FOUND the material that I had lost! I know it sounds impossible, but I got it all back! I learned 2 lessons… SAVE, SAVE, SAVE constantly, and Let Go! Accept responsibility. It was as if God was saying to me again, “Why not you?”
Wow!!! Both stories are so powerful! What beautiful and perfect illustrations of the point I was trying to get across with this post. Getting to that place of surrender through the question “Why not me?” is nothing less than excruciating. But if we can stand the pain, the reward is so sweet. Thanks so much for sharing these, Eva.