“If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.” ~ Victor Frankl
I’ll be upfront with you.
I hate suffering.
I like comfort and the idea of a pain-free life as much as the next person.
But I’ve also come to realize something, something that you may have realized as well but are too afraid to admit.
We need suffering.
What?
Even saying that out loud feels ridiculous and counterintuitive. But in my years of probing my own life and helping others do the same, I believe it to be true.
Famed blogger Jon Morrow published an amazing post about his personal triumph through his suffering. While reading the post, two sentences stopped me dead in my tracks:
“The people who struggle most are the ones who can’t accept the incessant unfairness of life. They become so consumed with what should have happened, the way other people should have behaved that they become incapable of dealing with reality.”
Read that at least two more times.
I did just that, and even though I already knew this intellectually, the way he wrote this convicted me on a deep level. I’ve seen some people for which this has been true, and it’s certainly been true of me.
Two types of suffering
In my experience and study I’ve found that we experience two types of suffering: necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering.
Sages and mystics down the ages have taught how we can benefit from the former and flee from the latter.
Here’s the great irony about suffering in our day—we have turned this wise perspective completely backwards. We flee from necessary suffering only to increase our unnecessary suffering.
We do all we can to run from the three big D’s: death, disease, and disaster.
We pretend they don’t exist. We’re never taught how to deal with the reality that these three D’s will visit us all. And so, most of us are totally unprepared to deal with the inevitable pain of living. This is the source of our unnecessary suffering—our deep fear of pain and our inability to deal with the pain when it finally hits.
It can become so bad that we can’t even deal with the relatively minor curveballs life throws us. We become petulant when things don’t go exactly the way we planned, we become despondent when others express their displeasure or dislike of us, we lose sleep over imaginary “what-if” scenarios.
Here’s the bitter truth in the words of Morrow:
“…if you feel depressed and weak, unable to cope with the difficulties of life, it’s not because you are a flawed human being. It’s because you were unprepared for the pain you are experiencing. The problem, ironically, is that you haven’t suffered enough.”
This is why we need suffering.
How to deal with suffering
I’m not advocating that you should self-flagellate like the monks of old did. But at least you can begin to appreciate why they went to such extremes to chase away unnecessary suffering.
We can learn to become comfortable with the idea of suffering without going nearly as far. Here are some tips to help:
1. Acknowledge it
The first step to dealing with suffering is to acknowledge that it’s a part of life. Once you can get beyond blaming your suffering on others, God, or the universe, you’ll begin to gain the resources to deal with what’s in front of you.
2. Lean into discomfort
As alluded to before, it doesn’t take much for most of us to enter the realm of unnecessary suffering. While I don’t recommend self-flagellation, I do think it’s a good idea for us to intentionally put ourselves in uncomfortable situations so we can learn to deal with them.
For instance, I used to be afraid of what people would think of me because of my stutter. I did everything to hide it in my youth. One day, I decided I would allow myself to stutter in public. I’ve suffered many embarrassing situations because of my stutter, but gradually, I’ve become less afraid of it. Consequently, it has also diminished over time.
3. Make gratitude your friend
Feeling like you always have the short end of the stick or that the grass is always greener on the other side?
Gratitude is the antidote to this unnecessary suffering. As soon as you feel yourself beginning to rail against the unfairness of life, let that be the moment to stop and think of three things you are grateful for right now.
The result will feel like magic as you watch your unnecessary suffering melt away.
Strength through suffering
If you’re breathing, you’ve known suffering.
Maybe you’re going through a tough time right now.
Know that even if you cannot currently escape pain, you need not suffer unnecessarily.
Embrace your pain. Lean into discomfort. And you’ll discover a spiritual strength you never thought possible.
Hello Cylon,
Thank you for this post – much appreciate your clarity that there are two types of suffering. I can’t tell you how many years I struggled with this to no good effect whatsoever!
Btw, in case you didn’t know, long term prisoners have a similar philosophy, especially if they have been harshly treated e.g. they are innocent. You either accept your sentence and deal with it day by day or you rail against the unfairness and make every day doubly painful and imprisoning.
Of course, Jon is something of a prisoner within the confines of his paralyzed body yet has produced a memoir that evidently proves the point about happiness and meaning. I think we all read his memoir and were strengthened just by so doing.
Like your point about gratitude even for the humblest item. Remember reading an account of prisoners in a gulag and on a Christmas Day one prisoner received a potato. It was so precious, she carried it around with her close to her chest until the luxurious moment when it could be cooked.
Let me thank you and wish your and yours a very happy New Year.
You’re welcome Zara. Your example of the prisoners reminds me of Victor Frankl’s experience. Rather than letting his suffering destroy him, it became the source of his incredible message that has touched so many. It’s very hard to be sorry for yourself when you can keep things in perspective—but keeping things in perspective is also hard! That’s why I was so grateful for the timing of Jon’s post to remind me about the power of perspective! Happy New Year to you too 🙂
Amen, Cylon! I’d like to propose one other way to deal with suffering… the concept of, “there but for the grace of God, go I.” Whenever I am experiencing pain or discomfort, the idea that I could have something far worse happening, helps me be grateful and gives me the stamina to muddle through. This also helps me avoid the unnecessary suffering that occurs when you wallow in self-pity and despair. (which Zarayna Pradyer addressed in his response to your post.)
AND, one more thing… suffering IS beneficial WHEN you choose to learn and grow from the experience, and use it to help others while you go through it, or definitely after the suffering has passed.
Over half a century (makes me sound – but not feel – OLD!), of various forms of suffering, I’ve discovered that the suffering has always been purposeful and helped me become a better person.
One experience I’ll share… in 2006, my mother’s prognosis was that she had two days to live. I prayed, “dear God… if it’s my mother’s time to die, please don’t let her die because of the improper medical treatment she had received.” I heard in response, “why should she be any different from anyone else who has died at the hands of another?” My despair at the doctor’s prognosis was instantly cut in half… I still suffered necessary pain, but the unnecessary pain was alleviated.
Thanks for these additional thoughts Eva! Fully agree! In fact, I find myself saying “there but for the grace of God, go I” frequently. And yes, regardless of the situation, we always get to choose whether we will learn and grow from painful experiences or not. The response to your prayer cuts to the chase on the reality of suffering: no one is exempt. It’s sobering but ultimately freeing.
Similar to the way you were struck by two of Jon Morrow’s sentences, two of your sentences spoke to me, Cylon: “Here’s the great irony about suffering in our day — we have turned this wise perspective completely backwards. We flee from necessary suffering only to increase our unnecessary suffering.” I guess I’ll have to let this thought sink in some more, but it appeals to me a lot already. Thanks, Cylon! (jhv)
You’re very welcome 🙂 Thank you for pointing that out, because even though I wrote those sentences, I also need to let them sink in.
Hi Cylon – great post well thought out as always. My only small contention is that we still don’t NEED suffering – it just happens to be part of life. I don’t personally believe we need flu either, but maybe this is just a matter of semantics:)
Hi Laura, I respectfully disagree that we don’t need suffering. I will agree we don’t LIKE suffering (smile). My (many) life experiences involving suffering, included varying degrees of distress, discomfort, fear, pain… you name it. But, once time had passed, wounds scabbed over, and scars faded, in retrospect, I discovered the suffering taught me a great deal, and I grew exponentially, both mentally and emotionally. Suffering also developed my capacity for compassion and empathy. In the midst of my sufferings, I am miserable. But, in looking back, I am always able to find some purpose in the suffering.
Thanks Laura and I always appreciate your feedback! I understand your reservations about my use of the word “need” as it relates to suffering but Eva captured my thoughts on why I used it.