Why You Do What You Do

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” ~ (Romans 7:15)

Have you ever ask yourself “Why did I do that?” or “Why did I react this way in this situation?

I know I have more times than I can count.

Every time I hear the verse quoted above, something deep within me shouts “Amen.”

If you’ve ever lost your temper, or eaten too much, or told a lie (even a white one), you know what it’s like to be bewildered by your own actions. You know what it’s like to go against your own values and principles.

Many people can easily identify with the feeling of doing the things they hate.

Needs and wants

Why do we sometimes go against our values?

Because we’re not paying attention to our needs.

If you ask a random person on the street what they need you might hear something like “a flat screen T.V.” or “a nicer car” or “a drink!” But these fall in the category of wants, not needs.

We tend to focus on our wants instead of the underlying needs we’re attempting to satisfy. This happens mostly outside of our awareness.

Paying attention to our needs

A quick google search of “human needs” will yield two popular lists: one provided by the psychologist Abraham Maslow and the other by life and business strategist Tony Robbins.

Though our wants are infinite, our needs, according to Maslow and Robbins, number just five or six.

Here are the two lists:

Maslow – physiological (oxygen, food, clothing, shelter, etc), safety, love or belonging, esteem, self-actualization.

Robbins – certainty (comfort), uncertainty (variety), significance, love and connection, growth, contribution.

Though there are some differences, the two lists basically point to the same set of needs.

Robbins unpacks his needs list in a TED talk entitled “Why we do what we do.”

The biggest insight from this talk? To begin to understand why we do what we do, we must become intimately familiar with our needs.

In our everyday life, this is not what we do. We instead, use our values and principles to judge our actions and the actions of others.

It doesn’t matter how noble our values are, if we neglect any of these important needs in the pursuit of our values, we’re much more likely to betray them. This, by no means, diminishes the importance of values and principles, it just puts them in their right place when it comes to understanding our motivations for our actions.

Needs are more powerful than values

For instance, a person may value honesty and integrity, but if that person believes that telling the truth will threaten their safety under certain circumstances, they may lie to meet this basic need.

A person may believe in commitment and loyalty, but may find themselves betraying someone if the relationship is not meeting their need for love and belonging.

A person may value good health, but may find themselves sitting on the sofa instead of exercising if their need for comfort is dominant.

Admonishing ourselves or others when we stray from our values misses the point. We don’t stray from our values because we’re bad people. We stray in order to satisfy our unmet needs—needs so powerful that they can take us to places we would rather not go.

When we’re willing to be honest and humble about this, we reduce the chances of being blindsided by our needs. We give ourselves the chance to meet these needs in conscious and healthy ways instead of unconscious and misguided ways.

Uncover the needs that drive you

The next time you find yourself perplexed by your actions, ask yourself:

What need is this action trying to meet?

What are some healthy alternatives for meeting this need?

You won’t always be present enough to ask these questions, but with practice you’ll inevitably improve.

And when you fall short or miss the mark, you’ll treat yourself (and others) with more compassion and kindness.